Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy

It's Hayden's Turn

2012-02-17T21:02:00.002-07:00

I made a video of Hayden. I know about time, right? Only a few months late. Well here she is, and I will be the first to admit that it is not as cool as Kyle's video but it is not too shabby. So I hope you enjoy it, and I also hope you have a fantastic weekend. Take care.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

The Idiot Box

2012-02-10T20:49:00.002-07:00

Will the public humiliation and coming out of the TV closet make me reconsider some of the trash that I watch on TV? Below you will find the list of TV shows that my DVR is currently recording. Some of the shows on this list are not too shabby, but some of them are head scratchers. I mean, come on man, I am almost 42 and I am watching not only Teen Mom but its glorious sequel, Teen Mom 2. Maybe someone hooked up some jumper cables to my head when I was passed out in college. And I don't think there is enough alcohol in the world or amateur lobotomy experiments to justify Jersey Shore. Help me baby Jesus!

30 Rock
The Office
Eastbound & Down
The Amazing Race
The League
The Big C
Supernatural
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
How I Met Your Mother
Intervention
Dexter
New Girl
Breaking Bad
Teen Mom 2
Modern Family
The Closer
Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel
Psych
Parks and Recreation
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Jersey Shore
Workaholics
Boardwalk Empire
Justified
Archer
The Killing
Nurse Jackie
Game of Thrones
True Blood
I Used to Be Fat
Louie
Wilfred
Teen Mom
Up All Night
Fringe
Sons of Anarchy
Tosh.O
Homeland
Cops
Flying Wild Alaska
The Walking Dead
Calliou
Southland
WordWorld
On Freddie Roach
An Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List

Kyle, Hayden, and Tank playing their new favorite game, "Guess Who Pooped?"

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Humble Pie

2012-02-03T21:37:00.004-07:00

Nothing like getting your butt kicked by a $4 dollar night light to put your ego in check.
I was having a legen - wait for it - dary day.
My hair was perfectly feathered.
They played “Sister Christian” on the radio. And the next song was “Every Rose Has a Thorn.”
Getting to use the term Mud Falcon in a conversation.
“Archer”, “Justified” and “Southland” were waiting to be watched on my DVR.
Having a midget tell me he can eat his weight in cocktail wieners.
I still look great in my Raggedy Ann wig.
My brief jerkies still fit.

So you get the idea that my day was going OK. Well I retuned home from my awesome adventures at Target and showed Kyle his new night light. Kyle was excited because he has been scared of monsters and the dark lately. I opened up the package to show Kyle how his new light worked. I pushed the on button. Nothing happened. I kept pushing the on button. Still nothing. I looked at the back of the night light to see if it needed batteries. Nothing there. I looked for a little plastic thingy that you sometimes needed to pull to activate devices. Nothing that fit that description. Kyle was getting impatient with his Daddy because his idiot father could not get his night light to work. I called in reinforcements to help out. Mrs. Shife asked me what was up and I explained to her what I was doing and that I could not get the night light to work. Mrs. Shife just gave me the look and said, “Why don’t you try plugging it in genius.” And what do you know it worked perfectly.

Have a good weekend.

My Cowboy and My Princess.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Paul Effin’ Walker!!!!!

2012-01-27T18:48:00.002-07:00

Ah the joys of going to the dentist. It would be a tough call if I had to choose between artificially inseminating miniature farm animals or visiting the wonderful world of dentistry.
Am I anti-dentite? Maybe.

I just find the whole dental process unsavory.
So you will never guess where I went this week?
Excellent conclusion. You are indeed a worthy adversary.
I am at the dentist, sitting in the chair, and the dental assistant (DA) is getting me prepped to have some fillings put in. She has her fingers in my mouth, some hose thingy sucking away what is left of my soul, and then she decided to make small talk. Why do they always want to have a conversation when your mouth is full of foreign objects? For the love of fat bassets, we do not need to discuss the weather while you have my mouth jacked open like some frickin’ stuffed bear on a hunter’s wall.
Dr. Mouth Fun, errrr, the dentist comes in, numbs me up, and the games begin. I can’t feel both sides of my face, and now I have 2 people jamming stuff in and out of my mouth. Insert porn joke here. Good times.
Then the real torture begins.
The DA, who is a young lady, and the dentist, who is a middle-aged guy, begin having a spirited discussion about the merits of “The Fast and The Furious” movies. Specifically, which dude do the ladies find the most attractive?
The dentist asks her if she is a Vin Diesel guy? Or maybe she likes the other guy? You know the one with the really blue eyes?
The DA chimes in, “I like the guy with blue eyes. His name is Ryan. Oh it is on the tip of my tongue. Ryan ... oh what is it?”
This intellectual debate continues for a few more minutes while they are working on my choppers, and I am just screaming on the inside because my ability to speak is severely compromised thanks to the remarkable advances of my dental needs.

His name is Paul Walker!!!!!!!! Can you hear me!!!!! It is not Ryan!!! Did I mention his name is Paul Effin’ Walker!!!!! Ryan Reynolds was not in this movie!!! OMG it is Paul Walker!!! (Yes it is true, my super hero powers are crappy movie knowledge. )

The DA continues. “Oh what is his name. I almost have it. This is driving me nuts.”
Yes, indeed, you are the only going nuts.
Now I am testing my telepathic powers and sending her my brain waves.

How hard is it to get a Paul Walker up in here while I receive the high-quality, state-of-the-art dental care that I deserve?

Mercifully, they move on to another subject, and my blood pressure returns to its normal range for the briefest of moments.
Because then the dentist asks the DA, “My mother-in-law really likes the guy with dark hair that used to play James Bond. What is his name?”
And I know you know that the DA was ready to pounce on the question like a hungry hyena because her area of movie proficiency has to be 007.
“Oh I know who you are talking about. What is his name? It is Frank. Frank something.”
The voices in my head return.

His name is Pierce Brosnan!!!!!!!! Can you hear me!!!!! It is not Frank!!! Did I mention his name is Pierce Effin’ Brosnan!!!!! Frank was not in this movie!!! OMG it is Pierce Brosnan!!

It is Paul Effin' Walker!!!!!!

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Stream of Consciousness

2012-01-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

I had a bunch of different things on my mind today to blog about like how I don’t know if I am going to make it through the year listening to the moronic election-year stories or the misleading and baiting headlines on Yahoo or the parenting advice I learned from a horse whisperer or how I am looking forward to reading my first Elmore Leonard, but I just could not stayed focused long enough to write anything worthwhile. So I just decided to do the whole stream of consciousness writing for five minutes. Here it goes ....

Enjoyed this quote today, “There may be more to learn from climbing the same mountain a hundred times then by climbing a hundred different mountains.” I tried to see the significance of that today when I was walking Tank because we usually walk the same path at least once a week. But was not in the right mood. I just got reminded of a certain movie because I saw a street named Abode. The Dude abides. “The Big Lebowski.” Easily one of my favorite films of all time. I watch it on my birthday every year. Kind of like a special treat to me. I think if I watched it more than once a year then it would lose it uniqueness. A man has to know his limitations. A quote from “Magnum Force” and Dirty Harry Callahan. The movie “Dirty Harry” is one of the first movies that I ever memorized a line from. The whole do you feel lucky, punk scene. Great, great line. I think I was a teenager. Maybe 15 or 16. That is when it dawned on me how much I love movies and how much of an impact they can have on people. Fast forward 26 years later and I am really disappointed in movies. Just not a lot of good stuff out there. Maybe it is me being a middle-aged grumpy dude. Get off my lawn. Another line from a Clint Eastwood movie, “Gran Torino.” I think that is the last movie of his I saw. Let me check IMDB. I was wrong. I saw “Invictus.” Didn’t really enjoy that one too much. Might watch a movie tonight, “Exporting Raymond.” Depends on how cooperative the soon-to-be two-month-old is at bedtime. Hayden is usually pretty good but some nights she wants to stay up and play. I don’t know if it is because we already had a kid or if she is a girl but so far she has been a lot easier. Eating good, sleeping through the night, and really, really laid back. I don’t want to jinx us but I am grateful that she is a mellow baby. I don’t know if I could handle another picky eater and difficult sleeper like Kyle. I love that boy to death but it was hard on me trying to feed him because I did not have the patience or understanding. Still bothers me that I was like that with him. When I think about it, I just go straight to doomsday scenarios and just imagine him in therapy telling the counselor how mean I was to him. I am such a pessimist always going ....

Time’s up. Hope it wasn’t too bad to read a few minutes of my thoughts. Have a good rest of your day, and I will talk to you later.

Kyle and his cousin, Charley, just out for a Sunday drive. Love this picture of the two boys. Just imagine them growing to be something like the Duke boys and cruising around together in the General Lee.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

The Adventure Begins

2012-01-13T18:04:00.002-07:00

Hello there.

I know some of you may have seen this video since I posted it on Facebook and Google+ so I apologize that you have to witness all of this awesomeness again.

After a year of being a Mac computer owner, I finally decided to use it for something else besides searching for things like a Mud Falcon or Ambushed Paddington on the Google machine so I made a little film trailer with the iMovie.

I think it turned out pretty swell, and it is about the next big adventure that awaits Kyle.

Have a great weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Happy New Year

2012-01-06T20:11:00.002-07:00

Hello there.

How is 2012 treating you?

The Shifes are doing good.

Thank you for asking.

The big change so far is that daddy daycare is up and running again. I have a new client and she is wonderful. She just eats and sleeps. I think I will keep her around.

My old client requires a lot more of my attention.

I feel like I am Jack Bauer on "24" running around trying to diffuse a terrorist situation.

2 1/2-year-olds are little balls of energy who emotions shift from utter happiness to sheer despair constantly. But I would not change anything. Those 2 kids make the future worth living and fighting for, and also makes me thankful.

I am tapping into the power of gratitude, and hope that being more grateful leads to more happiness and optimism. The really awesome thing about gratitude is that it does not cost anything.

“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-21T19:05:00.003-07:00

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies, and quick to make friends. And may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.
Talk to you in 2012.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-12-16T18:22:00.003-07:00

As you can see above, it is a little bit harder getting a family photo when your 2-year-old son and your 2-year-old basset have a hard time sitting still.
Still a little weird saying I have children instead of a child.
Really weird that I went almost 42 years before I heard the awesomeness that is mud falcon.
I really need to start meditating again. Once I get going it is awesome but I need to take 10-15 minutes out of the day and just relax.
I have a lot to be grateful for but I am having a hard time feeling that way today. I feel like dropping a mud falcon on something.
No one bothers you until you fart.
This needs to be Hayden's first bib.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
What is your favorite holiday movie? I have a few but right now I am thinking about Just Friends. It is a silly and you actually might test lower on an IQ test after watching it but it has sentimental value to me.
Bill Hicks would have been 50 today.
I am master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul, and just need to realize that everything will be okay.

I will persevere, I will keep moving forward, I will be the stream.

Sometimes and Almost

2011-12-09T17:35:00.008-07:00

Hello there. I apologize for the lack of posting but we have been a little busy at the Shifley household. I hope you and yours are doing well. We are doing not too shabby. A little more sleep would be nice but I don't think that is included in the 2 child plan. Kyle was not happy at first being a big brother - as you can see below - but he has warmed up to his little sister quite nicely and hopefully they will grow up to be the bestest of buddies.

So what have I learned in the almost 3 weeks that Hayden has been around? Sometimes and almost. With one child, Mrs. Shife and I sometimes get to do things like paint nude murals of famous Eastern European war heroes. But with two children we almost get to do things like karaoke our favorite Nelly song. Come on, who doesn't love seeing two middle-aged white people with no rhythm get down to "Hot in Herre." It is definitely a lifestyle adjustment taking care of 2 kids, and we are doing our best.

Well that is all for now. Have a great weekend. And remember never make eye contact while eating a banana.

P.S. Thank you so much for your kind words and warm wishes in my previous update.

I will persevere, I will keep moving forward, I will be the stream.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T10:40:00.004-07:00

I have plenty to be thankful for this year with my darling Hayden joining my already wonderful family, but I also need to thank each and every one of you who stop by and say hi. I am humbled and grateful for your support. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-11-21T16:40:00.002-07:00

It's a girl.

Miss Hayden was born at 3:56 pm and weighs a whopping 8 pounds, 6 ounces.

Everyone is doing well.

Sorry about the photo quality. My phone doesn't take the best pictures but I will get some better ones up soon.

Thank you for all of your love and support.

Take care.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 14

2011-11-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end

The way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Well unless something happens real quick it looks like tomorrow will be the big day.

We will be going to the hospital bright and early Monday, and once I have some information I will let everyone know the big news.

I just want to say again that I am humbled and grateful for all of you stopping by to check in on me and my family. I really appreciate it.

Wish us luck, and I will talk to you soon.

This is a picture of the Shifley family about this time last year. Next year's Thanksgiving portrait is going to look a little different.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 13

2011-11-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

I dedicate this song to you, Mrs. Shife. In a few years, we will look back on this pregnancy and have a laugh. We had no idea we signed up for the bonus plan. After 40 weeks, you are entitled to receive 2 free weeks at no extra cost. I must have signed that when I was hooched up on the High Life. This has been out of our hands since the beginning, but it is just another adventure on our journey together. Looking back, I hope you had the time of your life with me. I know I am glad you decided to take a chance and accompany me to Pirate's Dance. Look what happens when two people fall in love. I am looking forward to meeting our baby any day now, and spending the rest of my life with you.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 12

2011-11-18T18:42:00.001-07:00

Thanks Just Bob for today's inspiration.

And we will probably be waiting tomorrow and Sunday too.
Hope you have a good weekend.
Thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 11

2011-11-17T19:01:00.002-07:00

Kyle is helping us pass the time by making cookies. The package said it would make 6 dozen, but I don't think the cookie manufacturers took into account that a 2-year-old would be the head chef. The little man helped himself to more than his fair share of dough.

Well here is the latest and greatest. Mrs. Shife's stress test was fine, and the baby doctor said he will induce at 7 a.m. Monday morning if nothing happens between now and then.

So what do you think? Will Baby Shife arrive before Monday or will Mrs. Shife have to get induced? I am done making predictions because I have been wrong so many times. I just know the baby will be here sooner that we think, and it is going to be a whole new set of adventures. Help me baby Jesus.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 10

2011-11-16T19:27:00.004-07:00

Calling all wind talkers, code breakers, intelligence agents, super spies, deciphering dudes, encryption experts, and blogging buddies, what does this picture mean?

This is what I found on the floor after Kyle went down for his nap. He is really getting into letters and numbers, and now he is organizing them by colors. It is so entertaining watching him sort his letters out and say what he thinks the letter or number might be out loud.

Oh by the way, still nothing going on with Baby Shifley. Mrs. Shife has another stress test tomorrow, and then she has an appointment with the baby doctor. Then we will decide what our options are if the baby decides to continue with Occupy Sarah's Belly.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 9

2011-11-15T18:36:00.003-07:00

I came across this while I was perusing the Google machine trying to find another way to say that there is still no baby news. So here is an excerpt from that article:
Exactly when a baby will be born is one of the last great unknowns in life: something nobody can predict. These days, you can find out the sex of the baby, pregnancy tests can even tell you when you conceived and you can genetically screen for certain conditions. But if you leave nature to take its course, you cannot dictate the precise day when a baby will arrive, no matter how rich or powerful you are. I rather like this uncertainty, the triumph of nature over technology and "progress". When the baby is ready, it releases a hormone that crosses the placenta and triggers action stations. Imagine the take-off scene fromThunderbirds with palm trees parting, but perhaps a bit more slowly.

In completely unrelated news, Tank and I saw something that I was not quite prepared for. While on our walk, we saw a mature woman soaking in her hot tub while rocking out to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me." She said hello, I returned the greeting, and then I rubbed my eyes to make sure I was not having an acid flashback. Not exactly what I expected to see walking the basset.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 8

2011-11-14T18:42:00.003-07:00

The stress test went just fine, which is good because that means the baby is healthy, but the test also showed that the baby is still content just cooking in Mrs. Shife's baby. Her next appointment is Thursday so hopefully something happens between now and then. Someone suggested that Mrs. Shife start working on a really intense puzzle because babies love to interrupt stuff. I thought that was a good idea, but maybe a nice tattoo would be the motivation to get that baby to come out and say hello.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 7

2011-11-13T13:20:00.003-07:00

Hello there. Another day, and another report of nada.

Mrs. Shife goes to the doctor tomorrow to do some stress testing to make sure everything is OK under the hood. Honestly, everyone is doing fine but we are just waiting for something to happen.

The baby doctor told us he will not let Mrs. Shife go 42 weeks because that is when things can get scary for the baby and Momma.

I really want to post some news because I am running out of ways to say nothing is happening and recent pictures of Kyle to put on the blog.

Hope all is well wherever you are visiting from.

Take care.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 6

2011-11-12T17:02:00.002-07:00

I broke down and asked the Magic 8 Ball if Mrs. Shife was having the baby today ...

Maybe tomorrow.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 5

2011-11-11T20:06:00.001-07:00

A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.

And we are looking forward to those times, but we are still waiting on the stork.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 4

2011-11-10T20:34:00.004-07:00

He is smiling because he is still an only child, and doesn't have to share his Mommy and Daddy yet. Mrs. Shife went to the doctor, and he said we will discuss options on Monday if nature does not take its course between now and then. So now maybe an 11.11.11 baby? We shall see.

Have a good night.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 3

2011-11-09T19:07:00.001-07:00

Greetings and salutations. We are still here. Mrs. Shife has a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see what is going on with Occupy Belly: Day 283.

In other news, there was some interesting developments to our checking account as we had to call a plumber to unclog the toilet. I am not going to mention any names, but a certain 3-foot-tall little person decided to flush one of his action figures down the toilet. Well all 4 inches of Scuba Steve - as we affectionally called him until I got the bill from the plumber then it was more like Sh*!&%#! Steve - evidently wanted to try out his diving equipment and got sent on his merry way by his commanding officer. Unfortunately, he was unable to carry out his mission of getting Tank Tank a promiscuous poodle as he got stuck in the toilet flange. So that $5 dollar toy ended up costing me about $150. And then the plumber reminded that this is only the beginning.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 2

2011-11-08T20:13:00.004-07:00

Hakuna habari mtoto bado. That is Swahili for no baby news yet.

I am humbled and grateful for everyone that stops by the blog to find out what is going with Baby Shife and the rest of the Shifes. Thank you.

Maybe tomorrow.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

OT: Day 1

2011-11-07T16:30:00.006-07:00

I am going with OT for overtime.

We also considered Occupy Mrs. Shife's Belly: Day 281.

Since we got signed up for the bonus part of the pregnancy, I thought I would share some quotes that my wife might or might not find amusing.

"Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife." ~ Queen Victoria

"By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant." ~ Phyllis Diller

"Childbirth classes neglect to teach one critical skill: How to breathe, count, and swear all at the same time." ~ Linda Filterman

"Have you ever tried getting out of your car through the exhaust pipe?" ~ Murphy Brown

"Having a baby is like taking your bottom lip and pulling it over your head". ~ Carol Burnett

"If men bore children, there would only be one born in each family." ~ Unknown

"If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternately, there would never be more than three in a family." ~ Lawrence Housman

"If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters." ~ Nora Ephron

"Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside." ~ Rita Rudner

"Pregnancy The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~ Rajneesh

"Prepared childbirth is a contradiction in terms." ~ Joyce Armor

"There is a reason God makes you pee every 2 hours those last 3 months, it's training for the every 2-4 hour feedings." ~ Unknown

"Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes." ~ Joyce Armor

"You can sort of be married, you can sort of be divorced, you can sort of be living together, but you can't sort of have a baby." ~ David Shire

"You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment." ~ Dave Barry

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

0 Days and Counting

2011-11-06T05:28:00.000-07:00

Today is the day, but right now we have no baby news to report.

Nothing. Not a thing. Nil. Zero. Zilch. Zip. Zippo. Nada. Diddly squat.

So how is your day going?

Any suggestions on what I use for a title if I have to post tomorrow and beyond since I have counted down to 0?

I know the baby is coming soon, but we are just really excited to meet our new little person and want to know if it is a little brother or littler sister for Kyle.

A few days after Kyle was born, I was able to hold him all night long at home as I watched my favorite basketball team - North Carolina Tar Heels - beat Michigan State to win the National Championship. UNC and MSU rarely meet during the regular season because they are in different conferences so if they do play, it is usually during the NCAA tournament.

Well this Friday, the Tar Heels play Michigan State to start off the 2011 college basketball season. Coincidence or not? A sign from the universe? I guess I will find out if I am watching a basketball game at home holding my new son or daughter.

Take care.

I am not exactly sure what Kyle is doing in this picture. He might have been yawning or filling up his diaper or wondering why I am wearing a thong in November.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

1 Day and Counting

2011-11-05T15:32:00.004-06:00

Well tomorrow is the due date.

Mrs. Shife and I will be surprised if that baby comes tomorrow, but Kyle kind of showed up in a hurry so you never know. We showed up at the hospital around 12:30 in the morning, and the little man arrived at 2:57. If the baby does show up tomorrow and this is our last day as a family of 3, we are having a pretty decent Saturday. We went out to a farm to get some meat, and Kyle got to see combines, chickens, cows, goats, and pigs. He petted a goat, showed the pigs how to make good snorting sounds, and saw the inside of the chicken house. Hopefully, Mrs. Shife and I will get to watch "Bridesmaids" tonight after Kyle goes to bed. Maybe a few LOL moments will get that baby ready to meet the Shifleys.

Have a good one.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

2 Days and Counting

2011-11-04T16:35:00.006-06:00

Still nothing to report.
Mrs. Shife is under the impression that she will be pregnant forever.
I assure her that not is possible.
She just tells me to suck it because I am the one who got her pregnant.
Good times.

In other news, I think it is safe to say grammar is dying a slow, painful death. As I was running errands today, I was amazed and appalled at the misplaced apostrophes. People seem to think if a word is plural or has an S at the end, then it needs to have an apostrophe. Walk-in's instead of walk-ins; Fee's instead of fees; Fridays instead of Fridays. Horrible stuff out there. Here is my favorite grammar lesson: Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Have a great rest of your Friday.

When you misuse an apostrophe in the Shifley household, you get the business from Tank.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

3 Days and Counting

2011-11-03T18:41:00.005-06:00

Did I mention that Kyle likes to climb? Now he also likes to jump from the places he has scaled?
Besides him looking like an awesome dude in his new winter hart, I also like to think of this picture as a metaphor as I just want him to keep climbing and reaching new heights. And fortunately for me, someone with much better writing abilities says how I feel:

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance
-- I Hope You Dance, Lee Ann Womack

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

4 Days and Counting

2011-11-02T13:22:00.003-06:00

The setting is ominous: A dimly lit home on a cold, Fall evening. Not one where the sleep-deprived or wary tread. The parents ready themselves for a toddler attack that could come at any moment. After all, there must be danger nearby. He is 2 1/2-years-old boy hopped up on sugar. Sure it seems safe for now, but is it ... is it ever? Then someone breaks the silence, "It's way too quiet in Kyle's room."

And he got us again.

The little man was playing "I Dump It." Every 2-year-old's favorite game. The object is for the little person to dump out as much stuff as they can before their parents realize it is way too quiet back there. Kyle decided to go with 2 cans of butt powder and he thought the powder would look outstanding on his stuffed animals. And his dresser. And his toy chest. And his diapers. Good times.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

5 Days and Counting

2011-11-01T19:59:00.003-06:00

You see that cute little dude up there? Yep, that one. He is awesome. Not much to report today except that I am trying to figure out how I am going to love another little person as much as I love him. I know it will happen but right now it just seems baffling to me. I wish I had more to say, but feeling a little blah today as the first real cold spell has hit us here in Boise and not looking forward to the darker, dreary, and not-so-warm days heading our way.

Have a good one.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

6 Days and Counting

2011-10-31T18:50:00.004-06:00

Happy Halloween! Hope everyone has a fun and safe time.

We had the best of intentions of taking Kyle out for some trick-or-treating but we got a visit from Great Halloween Meltdown Goblin right before it was time to deck him out in his pirate costume. And it is not wise to use logic and rational thought with the Goblin because evidently the only thing that appeases him is bath time.

Maybe next year.

In other Halloween news, I did go to the dentist today and made out OK for not having been in a few years. Also, unless Mrs. Shife goes into labor real soon, it looks like we are getting a November baby.

Have a great rest of your night.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

7 Days and Counting

2011-10-30T19:04:00.005-06:00

The signs are everywhere, you just have to open your eyes.

It dawned on me that Kyle has been fascinated with the color pink lately, and then it dawned on me that maybe that is his way of letting us know we are having a little sister for the big guy. Mrs. Shife and I ask him all the time if we are having a girl or a boy, and he doesn't provide much of an answer. Maybe he has been telling us along but we just have not heard him. Anyway that is my deep, intellectual thought for this Sunday, which is 1 week away from the due date. Enjoy your week.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

8 Days and Counting

2011-10-29T19:46:00.003-06:00

Mrs. Shife and I figure we are going to be pretty tired when the new baby arrives so Tank is going to have to pick up some of our slack. Right now we are teaching him to read so he help out with Kyle's bedtime stories. Hope you are having a good weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

9 Days and Counting

2011-10-28T17:15:00.004-06:00

All I know is if this baby really loves his or her Daddy then he or she will show up Sunday so I don't have to go to the dentist on Monday. It has been more than 3 years since my last visit, and I am not looking forward to the results.

Happy Friday everyone. Hope you have a fabulous weekend, and an Irish blessing to all of you:

May you always have walls for the winds,

a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,

laughter to cheer you, those you love near you,

and all your heart might desire.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

10 Days and Counting

2011-10-27T15:22:00.004-06:00

Hi there. You need to click on the picture to make it larger, and please do. It is an awesome montage that Mrs. Shife created earlier this year when Kyle learned how much fun it was to dive into his pool. He did it about 50 times and just laughed as hard each and every time. Being a kid is awesome, and watching them grow, develop, and explore their world is pretty cool, too.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

11 Days and Counting

2011-10-26T14:00:00.002-06:00

It has been a little selfish of me not to mention that Kyle's mom is awesome. Despite being tired, extremely pregnant, uncomfortable, nervous, anxious, restless, and dealing with three boys all day long, she has been amazing. Kyle, Tank, and I can be on the little high maintenance side some days, and she handles us like a pro. I am sure here are days when she probably wishes we would all go play leap frog with a unicorn. Maybe even a quadricorn. But she doesn't. She just loves us and we love her too. I just felt it was important that I point out and recognize the most important person in the Shifley boy's world, the wonderful Mrs. Shife. Thank you love of mine.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

12 Days and Counting

2011-10-24T14:34:00.006-06:00

Well the movie was "Step Brothers." I would be feel comfortable saying it is not on many best film lists but it makes laugh ... a lot. "Hey Derek, Sprechen Sie Dick!" I love it.
I posted this on Facebook but wanted to share here as well. I watched American Masters: Pearl Jam Twenty on PBS. And it is awesome. Easily one of my favorite bands. Feel fortunate to have seen them live twice. Watching them in Missoula in 1998 at Grizzly Stadium was one of the best times I have had in my life. Thank you Pearl Jam for the music and the memories.
Something to think about. The U.S. increased spending on prisons 600% in 20 years. Spending on education per capita has been flat. We are jailing minds not just bodies.
It has been about a month since I had the Mountain Dew. All that processed sugar was not good for me so we had to break it off. Plue the Dew would not sign the pre-nup. Just sticking with hot tea and iced tea right now.
Not much else to report except that we are just waiting on that baby.
Yes I have lots and lots of pictures of Kyle, but I am running out of current ones as I was not quite prepared for the countdown to Baby Shifley. Fortunately I was able to get a nice one of him at his soccer class. He was having a good time.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

13 Days and Counting

2011-10-24T14:03:00.004-06:00

Holy fat basset balls, I can't believe we are under two weeks. Crazy, weird, excited, and scared sum up my emotions right now thinking of another baby in the house. We are as ready as we will ever be I guess, and it should be an interesting journey. Well, today is also the halfway point to me getting older, and on my birthday I watch "The Big Lebowski." I wanted to start another tradition by watching a movie that makes me LOL with 6 months to go before I mature again. Any guesses? I think I will keep everyone in suspense until tomorrow but I will give a clue. One of the stars is Will Ferrell.

Fall weather has finally kicked in here in Boise so Kyle had to thrown on his winter hat today when we took Tank for a walk. The picture quality is not the greatest but I think you can see him in his new hat.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

14 Days and Counting

2011-10-23T18:53:00.005-06:00

Got a lot off my chest yesterday on this blog, and I feel a lot better about life in general. After I wrote what I wrote, I took a long walk with Tank and talked out loud to my biological dad. I told I will own this pain, not him. I am in control, and my family, friends, and life are bigger and more important than what he did to me. I also told him to eff off. Sure there will be days when I don't feel right, but acknowledging and accepting the past will help me to eventually move on to better days. It is a start, and I am ready for the journey. Plus, this little dude below makes me want to be a helluva Dad, a great husband, and a good dude.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

15 Days and Counting

2011-10-22T12:35:00.006-06:00

This is is going to be a long one so if you want to come back another day then I understand but I need to get this out there.

Thank you to everyone for their comments. I sincerely appreciate it, and all of your suggestions and kind words are awesome. The problem with depression and the way it affects me is that I don't feel worthy of any of it.

When I am in the middle of a blue spell, I don't feel like I am entitled to love, happiness, success, kind words, etc. I am completely aware of it but I just have to battle through the low self-esteem and I how feel inconsequential in life. When I feel better, these feelings are there but they just do not surface and I can manage them.

Yes, I do medicate, they do help, but - and maybe it is me - they do not balance you out completely. In my case, there are going to be days when the blue beast is going to kick my butt.

I also do therapy, and it helped me realize that the anxiety/depression/panic attacks have been there since I was a kid, but I just thought I was moody and anti-social some days. I also know the cause of my depression.

My biological dad left my mother and I when was just born. I never had a relationship with him but we did occasionally talk and meet in person over the years, and as I got older I always wanted his love and know that he was proud of me, but I never got it. Even on his death bed I got nothing from the man who helped make me. So no matter how much love I have in my life, I will always yearn for the one person's that I did not get. I should be able to get over it especially since I barely knew the dude, but being rejected by someone who is supposed to love, nurture, protect, and always be there for you is one obstacle that still haunts me and makes me believe I am unworthy of a lot things that I have in my life.

The one positive for being abandoned by my biological dad is that it did show me the type of father I do not want to be. I will always be there for Kyle and his little brother or sister. There may be some bumps in the road, but they will know that I love them and always be proud of them.

Thank you for reading.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

16 Days and Counting

2011-10-21T19:09:00.003-06:00

I usually try to keep the language clean on the blog, but not today. I fucking hate depression. Not that anyone I know enjoys it. For the most part, I am good to go on a regular basis, but there are days like today when I feel overwhelmed, uninspired, and miserable. I wish there was a magical pill you could take and it was blue skies, sunshine, and happy trails. I have to weather the storm, and I usually do OK managing the depression, but today I am just more crestfallen than usual. This to shall past but I just needed to vent a little bit. And remember the things that really matter.

17 Days and Counting

2011-10-20T19:34:00.002-06:00

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to find love in the world.

And if children live with a basset hound, they learn how to play laser tag in the nude.

(Kyle has a laser pointer in his hand and for some reason Tank Tank loves to chase the light.)

18 Days and Counting

2011-10-19T18:40:00.002-06:00

Well we think we finally have the names picked. Then again we might take a look at the kid, and decide that the little person is not a Shaquille or Sinnamon Shifley. So 18 days until the due date? What do you think? Are we going to make it to November 6? Are we going to make it to Halloween? I think the baby is coming early, and I think we are having a girl, but then again I watch "Jersey Shore" and thought butt cleavage was going to take the fashion world by storm.

It is never too early to start the child labor.

19 Days and Counting

2011-10-18T21:21:00.003-06:00

This has to be my new favorite picture of Kyle. As mentioned in a previous post, he is going through a nudist phase and Mrs. Shife caught him on film cruising through the kitchen while he was chasing Tank with his stroller. Oh I just know that grin is going to cost me a lot of money in the upcoming years. Have a good one.

20 Days and Counting

2011-10-17T20:00:00.000-06:00

He did it. I am so proud of my little man. He peed into his potty chair.

He has been going through a nudist phase lately, and we figured it was just a matter of time before he started taking care of business. I don't know if it was watching his old man get down on his knees and pee into the frog's mouth this morning, but whatever it was, he let us know this evening that wanted to pee into the frog and that is what he did.

It really is is the little things.

21 Days and Counting

2011-10-16T00:01:00.002-06:00

I just want to make sure but I assume if you notice that I have not updated the countdown then I am either another tragic victim of auto-erotica asphyxiation or we are having the kid ... well Mrs. Shife is having the kid.

22 Days and Counting

2011-10-15T12:27:00.002-06:00

I heard some great parenting advice that I wanted to pass along. I know that we all love and are proud of our kids - at least most of the time =) - but we tend to tell them that we love them but we are not very prone to tell them that we are proud of them. That's all folks.

This is Kyle's game face. He is ready to ride. And I will always be proud of him.

23 Days and Counting

2011-10-14T18:46:00.003-06:00

Kyle knows how to work the pouty face, and he has been having some "awesome" meltdowns lately so I imagine I am going to be seeing a lot of Mr. Pouty next month. I might be a little pouty myself because I don't want to see the little guy upset because there is another child in the house, and he is no longer the center of our world. I know I have the capacity to love another child but right now it just seems like a weird concept that I am going to love another little person as much as I love Kyle. I also know I will look back at this post in the near future, and laugh at this post. Mostly I will laugh because I will be hysterical from the lack of sleep. Good times.

24 Days and Counting

2011-10-13T19:40:00.004-06:00

Holy Cannoli!!!

Not really much of significance to add today. Sorry. Hope you are having a good one. Talk to you tomorrow.

25 Days and Counting

2011-10-12T18:20:00.005-06:00

I have failed as a Dad. The little man has picked the evilest of all the teams, the Yankees. Help me baby Jesus.

26 days and counting

2011-10-11T21:35:00.006-06:00

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. - Steve Jobs

One of my goals is to teach Kyle and his brother ~~and~~ or sister to live their own lives, and know the joy of being true to themselves. I hope they honor and appreciate life by fully and truly living the one very special life that is yours.

Come on, you should know me better than that, and know that I was going to have to put up a silly picture to balance out that seriousness.

27 Days and Counting

2011-10-10T18:19:00.004-06:00

What am I thinking about today? Not a lot except that I am a total scrot. Running a marathon is pretty hard, but running while you are 39 weeks pregnant is wicked hard. Then the lady starting feeling contractions towards the end of the race and gave birth shortly after the race. So my Sunday afternoon of spackling holes in the wall, painting, and fixing the deck does not look that impressive anymore. However, I did have a slight hangover so that has to count for something, right?

Somebody was pleased with themselves after they picked some Hastas from the garden, and put them in his batting tee.

28 Days and Counting

2011-10-09T11:41:00.006-06:00

This is something I wrote about 20 days before Kyle was born, and it is appropriate right now because I am having the same feelings I did before I met my little man.

Well folks believe it or not but I am going to be a Dad again real, real soon. I know some of you have been down this road and others of you can't even imagine taking this path. I am excited, nervous, and scared, but as the due date - November 6 - creeps ever closer I find myself looking forward to this moment that will turn my life upside down more than ever. So Kyle's brother or sister I hope you inherit the best of what Mrs. Shife and I have to offer.

I can hardly wait for you to enter the world and see the joy you bring.
Sweet baby of mine, you're a magnificent gift.
Living proof of how your mother and I have shared our love.
I hope you have your mother’s eyes
Then you will go into the world able to look at all things wise.
I hope you inherit my ability to plan.
With that you will be able to face all things in life as a strong woman or man.
I hope you receive from your mother her selfless ways.
For this will bless you all of your days.
I hope you learn from me, spirit and let no one take it.
Believe me you will need it in life, and many will try to break it.
But with that spirit you must have your mother’s center.
With that you will be cautious of any door you enter.
I want you to have my curiosity. There’s nothing wrong with questions you may blurt!
But receive your mother’s discernment, so you'll know when to let go before getting hurt.
Have my big heart; know what emotions are and how to be real.
Share your mother’s strength so you can handle what you feel.
Share my sense of humor! Laugh a lot it helps you through life.
Share your mother’s sense of duty. Know how to be serious and take strife.
And most importantly please remember to be true to yourself and know that the day you are born you will inherit the greatest love your mother and I could ever offer anyone.

I can’t wait to meet you Baby Shifley.

The Shifley family is going to get a little bit bigger here real soon.

29 Days and Counting

2011-10-08T19:29:00.003-06:00

Mrs. Shife had a dream that she was having the baby next Friday. I hope she was just being a dream surrogate. I know the kid is coming, and I really, really want to meet the little dude or lady, but next Friday is my jazzercise night. So another day down, and we continue to do the best we can and hope that have we have saved enough to pay for Kyle's therapy.

30 Days and Counting

2011-10-07T15:18:00.003-06:00

Ahhh parenting. Sometimes it is the best job in the world but other days it seems like you are trying to nail Jello-O to a tree. I know there is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. So where are the Shifleys today? Just trying to come up with a name. We are pretty set on a boy name, but a girl name is becoming elusive. Enjoy the rest of your day. And I should take a cue from darling little boy by remembering to take the time to smell the flowers.

31 Days and Counting

2011-10-06T18:22:00.005-06:00

Well, well, well, I survived Las Vegas with my 2 1/2-year-old boy and my 8 1/2-month pregnant wife. Las Vegas is definitely not a great place to take a 2-year-old but we still had a good time. Now we are back home waiting on Kyle's brother or sister to arrive. Mrs. Shife is due November 6 so that is where we are at. Just circling over the Shifley International Airport looking forward to traffic control to give us the go ahead and bring that baby home. So my goal is to write every day until that happens. Hopefully it will be fun and hopefully I will not bore you to death.

The burning question for today is how the heck am I going to survive with 2 kids and a crazy basset hound? I know people do it every day, and these same people have told me that it is easy and then others tell me it is hard so I have no idea what to expect. All I know is that drinking heavily is not an option. I gave 1-800-THE-LAMA1 a call for spiritual advice, and I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any advice, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. Hope you like that one, BP.=)

And here is a picture of Kyle doing the no pants dance. He lost them playing the slots, but he got to see Elvis.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-09-23T21:23:00.003-06:00

Hard to believe it is first day of Fall. Goodbye Summer. It was a good time. Call me. Miss you already. XOXO Mr. Shife
Finished up softball for the year, and it will be interesting to see how I feel about playing next year. I played twice a week for 6 months, and the passion is not there anymore. I really think with Kyle's little brother or sister arriving soon I might not want to play as much.
For you Phats ... VTFU.
Some wit from Brad Pitt, one of my favorite actors: "I understand hand dryers are more eco-efficient than paper towels, but what happens when you want to rinse your face? What is one supposed to do?"
The new TV season has started, do you have any favorites yet? Mrs. Shife and I enjoyed 2 Broke Girls and Up All Night.
Tank Tank is now one of Blue's Buddies. Blue Buffalo puts these trading cards in the bottom of their dog food bags so I hope someone gets a kick out of his card.
Me and the family are heading out of town so no new blog update next week. Don't miss me too much, but for the love of fat bassets I will miss you a lot.
Finally, I would like to say thank you to my wonderful wife for the greatest years of my life. We will be celebrating 7 years of awesomeness this weekend.
Take care my friends, and have yourself a great weekend. Also, below you will find a picture of my little man sitting in the back yard enjoying his book of Slovak poetry. I swear to you that is what the book is all about, and for some reason he loves to carry that book around.

Dear Blank

2011-09-16T20:41:00.006-06:00

I recently discovered a website - http://dearblankpleaseblank.com/ - that contains some funny stuff. I am sharing some of my favorites, and I hope they bring you as much amusement as they brought to me.

Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic
Dear Nickelback, That's enough. Sincerely, The world
Dear Scissors, I feel your pain ... No one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin
Dear Reader, Please do me right now. On the kitchen table. In your bed. On the couch. Shoot, I'll even take the floor in front of the T.V. I don't care, I just need you to do me like I've never been done before. Sincerely, Your homework.
Dear World, Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat. Sincerely, Tired of hearing your religious guff
Dear Rose, There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us. Sincerely, Jack
Dear People of the World, I don't mean to sound slutty, but please use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Grammar
Dear Cat, Sorry for hoisting you into the air whenever 'The Circle of Life' plays. Sincerely, A Lion King enthusiast

And here is a picture of the little man and Tank Tank sleeping one off in the car. My favorite 2-year-olds were a little worn out after spending 5 days at the farm.

Before and After

2011-09-08T19:08:00.007-06:00

We traded in our 2004 Mazda 3 for a 2010 Ford Fusion.

And I traded in my 14-year-old poser tribal arm band for an updated look.

I was hoping to share one more surprise with everyone but I am still waiting on that one. Everything is going good for the Shifes as we are enjoying the last days of summer and waiting for Kyle's little brother or sister to get here. Got a little under 8 weeks to go. And I would be in a lot of trouble if I did not include a picture of the little man.

More Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-08-25T21:56:00.005-06:00

Caffeine update: I decided the grass is definitely not greener and will be riding the C-Train for a long time.
It is cool that I am going to try and eat healthier but I need to have a few vices and caffeine and beer are not going anywhere anytime soon. I need my Mountain Dew and Miller High Life to reward myself for being a pretty good guy.
Kyle's new phrase that pays is "I dump it" and he literally dumps it. He decided to take a can of juice and dump it all over the carpet during dinner this week. He never said it before and I guess we were not expecting to turn the can upside down. So after Mrs. Shife and I quit laughing, we decided it might be a good idea to be parents and inform Kyle that is not a good idea to dump it.
Speaking of the little man, our goal - fingers and basset ears crossed - is to have him potty trained by the time the latest and greatest Shife arrives in November. We are bribing him with chocolate, and I am sure there is a book or two out there that recommends not doing this, but we are going to go down this path and we hope it turns out OK.
I don't know where you stand on gay marriage but I don't have a problem with it. I don't like it when gay marriage opponents use the Bible as one of their main reasons as why they are against same-sex marriage. The Bible has a lot of stuff in it that is extremely outdated and this letter sums it up best. I hope you have some time to read this sarcastic awesomeness.
Finally I will be off the grid next week so no blog update but I will talk to you in 2 weeks and I will have a nice surprise to share with you. Have a wonderful rest of your week and enjoy your Labor Day weekend. Stay awesome my friends.

Here he is doing what he does best and that is smiling and laughing. I am going to do my best to make sure he keeps that positive attitude for as long as possible.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-08-19T22:13:00.007-06:00

It appears that Tank comes from a long line of meat charmers. Today he was able to use his skills to coerce a piece of steak off the counter, on to the floor, and then into his belly. He evidently planted some mental ninjas into Kyle's head which led to the little man slipping out of his chair and sending the meat on its merry way. It was quite impressive and looks like the force is strong with him.
I got a deep tissue massage this week which almost had me in tears. I was unaware that I needed a safe word when I was getting worked over. Holy guacamole I think the masseuse either did not like me or hated men in general.
Spent the last few days building Kyle a fort/castle out of all the odd, warped, and mismatched lumber I have accumulated over the years. It definitely will not be featured in Architecture Weekly. I am calling it Fort Ballpark because the cuts, designs, measurements, etc. are all in the ballpark of being somewhat straight and accurate.
I started juicing this week. After watching the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead", I was quite motivated to make some dietary changes and bought a juicer to get my fruits and veggies in a liquid form.
I also incorporated Naicin into my diet because it is suppose to be a more natural way to deal with anxiety and depression.
Saw the movie "30 Minutes or Less" and it is quite funny. Not exactly a chick flick but if you have twisted sense of humor then you might enjoy it.
Gave up caffeine for a few days this week. I am still on the fence if I can completely give it up but it is nice to know that it is an option.

Well that is all folks. Have a good weekend and talk to you next week.

Don't Worry Be Happy

2011-08-12T18:15:00.001-06:00

This is a list you may have seen before - perhaps even on this blog - but I thought it was worth sharing again because I am watching my lovely wife cope with being 7-months-pregnant during the hottest part of the year so it just reminds me that us dudes have it pretty good. Sure there are few things that blow like getting kicked in the junk or not getting off the Titantic first but for the most part men are just happier people because:

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unableto see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

And speaking of dudes, here is picture of my favorite little man taking one of his first leaps into a pool.

V is for Visitors

2011-08-04T21:12:00.004-06:00

Just wanted to personally thank all the people who stopped by the Shifley household this week.

Injury Bug - Tweaked my knee playing soccer and it swelled up quite nicely. It looked like a yak's testicle but structurally still sound so hopefully it will be OK after some rest.
Diarrhea Bear - Kyle blew out his diapers twice this week during the middle of the night, and it was so bad that it leaked onto the floor. So when he woke up upset in the middle of the night because he crapped his pants Mrs. Shife's foot found a nice surprise two nights in a row.
Mud Butt Fairy - The mighty Tankster got into some human food - which he hardly ever gets - and it created a little havoc with his elimination process. He pooped but a little of it remained on his fur so we were not happy with the smell and Tank was not happy that I had to wipe his butt.
A/C Repairman - We hit triple digits this past weekend, and our conditioned air machine decided to break down. It was hot and the 7-month pregnant wife was really not happy that the house was hotter than 2 rats having sexual relations in a wool sock.
Dishwasher Technician - We decided our dishwasher finally had to be replaced after it leaked about a gallon of water on the kitchen floor. Always fun to walk into a room and see a giant puddle on the floor.
Headache Central - Besides being very pregnant, stepping in poo, going without A/C for more than a day, Mrs. Shife got a little sick this week and the bug brought with it some major headache pains. There is not much she can take for it because she is with child so not a good week for my lovely wife.
Trip Dick - And with all of that stuff going on we decided to cancel a trip to visit with the family at the lake.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

And here is a picture of the little man taking his first train ride.

SQOTW Part 2

2011-07-29T22:05:00.003-06:00

It is back after a very long hiatus - Stupid Question of the Week. Unfortunately, Sexual Quality of the Welsh never really took off.

So if money or time or babysitters or phobias were not an issue, what would you do for 30 days? Well I would travel to the Australia's Gold Coast and pay someone to teach me how to surf. One of the reasons I have never have learned to surf is because I live in a land-locked state and I have an irrational fear that I am going to be a Great White shark's appetizer. And I picked the Land of Down Under because many people say that the Gold Coast is the place to go to surf.

So dear readers what would you do?

Or you can just look into the little man's eyes and tell him if he is going to have a brother or sister? Right now the polls are running in favor of a girl.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-07-22T19:54:00.003-06:00

Hey Derek, sprechen sie dick? That is a line from the movie "Step Brothers" and I really want to tell a few people that. I am 41 frickin' years old and I do not want to do with family drama. Grow the hell up, quit acting like you are 12, and lay off the passive-aggressive juice.
Speaking of drama, anyone else feel like a bunch of teenagers are running things in DC? Grow a pair, do your job, and quit playing the blame game with the media.
It took a few episodes but I finally warmed up to "Wilfred."
Hard to believe I am going to be the father of 2 - well 3 if you count Tank - in about 3.5 months. Still seems surreal that another Baby Shife is on the way.
Mrs. Shife is looking forward to meeting Baby Shife but she is not enjoying being 6-months pregnant in the middle of summer. As she has mentioned she is not exactly "glowing" this time around.
Sploosh sploosh
FTP or find the positive is my new mantra. I post some positive messages on Twitter during the week and do my best to be a glass half-full kind of dude. We also put a quote board in the bathroom to help remind us to don't worry, be happy.
Does anyone else get bored with the Internet? I have several sites that I hit on a daily basis but after I am done, I am done. Does anyone have some website recommendations?
Alright I am going to place a gay ad for a certain relative so he gets some really neat phone calls. I guess that is not finding the positive but it is funny. And sometimes funny is good medicine.

Can I get a do-over for the week?

2011-07-15T22:36:00.002-06:00

I am having one of those weeks where I get excited that I finally broke down and bought some new white t-shirts. Then when I get home to open the package I realize the mistake I made when I hold the shirt up to my chest and it does not even cover my 13-pack. That's right I bought boy's t-shirts instead of men's. Good times. That basically sums up how my week is going. I will post a a more uplifting post when I am capable of buying the right size t-shirt. Have a good weekend.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-07-08T23:31:00.003-06:00

"Horrible Bosses" is definitely worth the price of admission.
I heard the sweetest words ever from Kyle this week as he said "I love you" to me.
Ordered a swab kit from DKMS Americas and sent it back to see if I could possibly be a bone marrow donor to help someone out that really needs it.
Also ordered a tribute to my mother. It took me almost 3 years to figure out a way to honor her life and I will share it with everyone very soon.
I have been abusing the word "ball fro" this week. If I say it a few more times I believe I will be sleeping at a hotel soon. It is not wise to mess with a pregnant woman.
Tank has been with us more than a year now, and it is hard to believe it has been that long. We are really grateful to have him as a part of the family.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend and a great week until we speak again ... stay thirsty my friends. And those orders are from Kyle.

Hey you

2011-06-30T21:32:00.003-06:00

Yeah you. Kyle and I want you to have an awesome holiday weekend. So do it. No back talk. Just get out there and have yourself a swell time. You better have so much fun that a plastic surgeon has to take the grin off your face. We will talk to you next week.

10 Things I Love This Week

2011-06-24T20:55:00.001-06:00

When I ask someone the following question "Kyle what is your name?" and the answer I get is "Tank Tank."
Summer. Thank you for finally arriving.
Kyle discovering what happens when you drink orange juice after you brush your teeth.
The face Kyle made after his discovery, and then he proceeded to wipe his tongue on my shirt for a good minute.
Twitter. I don't know why but I guess I am enjoying it more. The last time it felt like a horrible one-stand that left me with a of case of anal warts. But this time Twitter and I are taking it slow. If you want to say hi it is just @mrshife.
Halfway there with Steve (the name Kyle calls the baby) and so far so good. We had the ultrasound where we could find out what we are having and it turns out we are having a baby. I tried to persuade Mrs. Shife but she wants to wait.
The finales of "The Killing" and "Game of Thrones" and can't wait for their new seasons.
Meeting a high school classmate I had not seen since high school.
Meeting a dude named Dokken. Yes his parents named him after these guys. And I rocked out to them in high school but definitely did not think naming a kid after them. If I named a kid after a favorite band in high school his or her name might have been Poison.
This picture of the my little man doing some big pimpin'.

Just sayin'

2011-06-17T22:46:00.000-06:00

I don't want to brag or be boastful, and I don't mean to show off my son again, but I have to share the light of my life. It is moments like this that really drive home what is important in life. I may not have money, beauty, or glamour, but I have my family. And after putting together this video and seeing it more than a few times, I feel like the richest man in the world. I love being this boy's daddy and I thank Mrs. Shife for giving me the greatest gift I have ever received. Kyle helps me find the positive in this life of mine and I feel so blessed to wake up to spend the day with the cutest little boy I know.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.

My greatest no-comment post

2011-06-10T21:21:00.000-06:00

It has been a trying week for this dumb, white guy so I chose not to bore you with my battle with depression but I instead I dug up an old blog post I wrote that got no comments but I feel it deserves another shot at fame. I posted this several years ago when I was still working in the corporate world and my world had not been graced with Kyle mania yet. Enjoy and have yourself a good weekend.

Pleated pants.
Let’s just say it is not a good idea to wear pleated pants around strange women.
Who knew a crisp blend of cotton and polyester could be so wicked?
Basically when you are sitting down in these dastardly trousers the groin area RISES to the occasion. It is like a pop-up book. And on page 12 Little Johnny sports wood.
No shit they are an easy-wearing, relaxed fit!!!! It looks like you just sprouted a frickin’ oak tree in your pants.
Who the heck tailored these pantaloons? Viagra?
I feel like an effin’ pervert every time I have a meeting. I look down and whammo, it is Erection Planet.

Losing my hearing.
Recently I took a road trip with Mrs. Shife. She was enjoying a book on tape on CD and I was watching a DVD. I guess I should mention that she was driving.
Anyway, since I am about 95% deaf in my left ear, she can change the stereo’s balance to the left side and listen to it as loud as she wants. I can hardly hear it since I am watching my movie with headphones on and did I mention that I am about 95% deaf in my left ear.
Fast forward about a week and I am in the car cruising home after work. I just downloaded some new music, and I am ready to rock out. So I turn on the radio, turn on the iPod, and I am ready to … Hey, what’s going on here? This sounds like crap. I can hear it but not real well. I crank up the stereo. I crank up the volume on the iPod. And I can hear it, but it still sounds like garbage. All I am thinking is that my hearing is getting worse. I am getting old. First the gray pubic hair (note: I only said hair, not hairs) and now the original surround sound is starting to suck even more.
Yep, about halfway home I realized that stereo balance was still all the way to the left, my deaf side, and that is why the music sounded like crapola.

Holy crap.
I actually plan a bowel movement during my day at work. I go in there, take care of business, and maybe do some light reading. It is good way to unwind and get some peace and quiet. Unless some other butt hole shows up to drop off a payload, and then I need to wrap things up. I just don’t like pooping next to someone if I can avoid it. My noises are fine, but listening to Crapper McGavin next to me is not high on my favorite activities list. The thought of dumping at the airport is almost nightmarish. OK, on with the story. I was busier than a bull’s behind during fly season at work yesterday. I had like a Kit Kat and a Diet Coke for lunch. So the previously scheduled poo was postponed. I head home and maybe my butt has been trained and is used to crapping at work because I felt no urge to go at home. I wake up late, and as I was rushing out of the house to get to work on time I felt the ache. The abdominal pain. Sweat beads forming on the forehead. The clenching of the cheeks to keep the levees from breaking. Oh the humanity. The turds were honking for the right of way. Can I crap in my cup holder and still drive the car? I race to work, run up the stairs, kick open the door to the bathroom, and as soon as my bare ass touched that seat it was like a fecal grenade went off. It was an explosion. Poo pandemonium. The water even splashed up and got my butt wet. It was horrible. So the moral of this story is I hope you don’t have a crappy day.

Here is a picture of the little man and his cousin as he was chauffeuring her around on the farm at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-06-03T13:59:00.003-06:00

A guy I have known for more than 25 years is one of my oldest friends, but it dawned on me the other day that on paper you would not think that was the case. He graduated from the university that is my alma mater's bitter rival, he does not drink, we like sports but none of the same teams, and I just found out he does not like one of my favorite movies. But he is the yin to my yang or I am the yin to his yang. So I don't know what makes it work but it does.
I have a warped sense of humor.
Example #1: Heard this on a podcast ... What is the name of the condition of a person with six fingers on both hands and six toes on both feet? Unfortunate.
Example #2: From the TV show "Parks & Recreation" about the death of a mini-horse named Lil' Sebastian ... “When I walked in this morning I saw that the flag was at half mast, I though, ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!’ And then I saw it was Lil’ Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.”
I have noticed lately that they are marketing deodorants that provide protection up to 72 hours. So have dudes evolved so much that are stench is just too powerful for ordinary deodorant?
About 2 weeks ago Kyle watched "Cars" for the first time. Guess how many times he has seen it since then? The little dude loves that movie.
So I mentioned horse herpes on this blog a few weeks ago. Well the outbreak is so bad that in Utah participants at a county rodeo queen contest had to perform their routines on stick ponies.
And today is a bittersweet day for the Shifley family. We had to say goodbye to Quincy dog a year ago. We still miss him a lot, and it was hard letting him go but it was for the best since he had gotten so ill. Hope you are enjoying laying in the sun wherever you are Captain Furry Pants.

I always liked this picture of the two boys, and now I like to think that Quincy is still looking out for us.

Let It All Hang Out This Memorial Day Weekend!!!

2011-05-27T19:38:00.003-06:00

I am enjoying the long weekend with family and friends. I hope you are too. Regular blogging will resume next week. Take care.

Highlights of the week

2011-05-20T21:07:00.001-06:00

Getting banned from Wikipedia for a period of infinity. Awesome.
I have also been banned from seeing The Spice Girls movie by Mrs. Shife, and I was denied entry to Canada for a few years. That is a good story but I will have to save that for another day.
Kyle finding his hat for the next royal wedding.

I am going to scare some of the religious nut jobs out there on "Judgment Day" and leave shoes with dry ice in them in their yard.
Speaking of Judgment Day, Tank is pretty excited because he heard that all dogs go to Heaven.
Hearing the words horse herpes in the news.
Watching "Bridesmaids."
Playing softball in the actual sunshine.
I was kind to my digestive system and just placed the Taco Bell burrito directly into the toilet.

Have a good one, and I guess if I don't hear from you then you got the "Beam me up, Goddy" signal.

More Randomness from The Shifeness

2011-05-13T18:29:00.000-06:00

Seriously JC, did you have to schedule the rapture on Saturday, May 21? I already have plans my man ... “Jersey Shore” marathon oh righteous one. I think everyone would find it much more agreeable if you could push this out to Monday. Nobody likes Mondays. Something to think about there messiah, and this is totally going to end my consecutive days alive streak.

I think this might be a sign from the universe that it is time to cut back on the TV especially since Steve is on the way. And Steve would be the name that Kyle gave the baby. Anyway, I have had 4 shows I liked cancelled on me: “Terriers”, “Lights Out”, “The Chicago Code”, and “Breaking In”.

Speaking of Steve, I have not met the other host of “Blue’s Clues” yet but I have heard from some excellent sources that he stinks. Fortunately we are still in the Steve era.

Kyle gets some morning light in his bedroom around 6, and he is usually up and ready to roll a few minutes later. Well I finally got tired of getting up that early and actually used that thing between my ears. I put up some window film that is keeping the light out and the little man did not get up until 7:30, which is awesome. I am not a morning person but I feel a lot better at 7:30 than I do at 6 in the am.

Since Kyle is a sponge I had to quit listening to a lot of the podcasts I enjoy because they use too much adult language. I got back into music and right now I am really enjoying Stone Sour and Shinedown. Anybody have some musical suggestions for me?

Do you think a prison inmate puts “It’s Complicated” as his/her relationship status on Facebook?

And my tip of the week: If you want to lose 15 pounds quickly then move your bathroom scale from a hard surface to carpet, and you will have great success.

I hope everyone gets to watch the video so you can see that I am doing an excellent job of raising my son. I think this is going to be exhibit A when they prosecute me and make him a ward of the court, and it looks like crazy didn't skip a generation.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-05-05T19:38:00.002-06:00

Hola amigos. Happy Cinco de Mayo or as we say around my house, "Is it Friday yet?"
Remember those eye-wash stations they had in chemistry labs? Wal-Mart should have those in their stores so I can erase the horrors I saw there this morning. Oh people of Wal-Mart how you take the casualness of sweat pants to a whole new level. I had not been there in months and was not ready for the optical apocalypse.
Got any name ideas for the next Shifeleteer while he or she is in the womb? Mrs. Shife has rejected everything so far. 3.0 (Kyle was 2.0), Shaq, Chip, Squirt, Deuce (Sorry Dr. Ken), and ESPN (Expecting a Shife Probably in November).
Kyle has started packing grapes in his cheek and he looks like a baseball player with a wad of Redman chewing tobacco stuffed in there.
I am turning into quite the craftsman. I built Kyle a climbing wall out of some pallets and then I made him some pedal blocks for his tricycle.
Anyone watch "The Amazing Race"? Were you as happy as me and my lovely wife when the Goth team got eliminated last week?
Kyle has a new pal, Blue. We have been watching "Blue's Clues" quite a bit so I am now an expert in another world besides Sesame Street.
Being Kyle's dad is awesome and this probably sums it up best, "To be your father is the greatest honor I have ever received. It allowed me to touch mystery for a moment, and to see my love made flesh. If I could have but one wish, it would be for you to pass that love along. After all, there is not much more to life than that." - Kent Nerburn

An Update From Kyle

2011-04-23T09:32:00.000-06:00

Hope you can read the special message on the little man's shirt.

Rookie Dad Journal Highlights

2011-04-14T15:16:00.000-06:00

It has been a very long time since I posted anything from Rookie Dad Journal so I thought I would share a few of the finer moments that I have experienced being a Dad.

December 3 – Well after Kyle puked all over me and him in the middle of Target I realized that the hot dogs I have been feeding him were expired and that probably explains why the little man is still throwing up. Totally feel like the parent of the year.

December 10 – Kyle became a little boy today. He got his first hair cut. He sat in my lap and was a good little man while he lost all of his baby hair.

December 12 – Kyle just makes me laugh so much. He was eating dinner and put taco meat on top of his head and kept saying “Hat.” My little meathead.

December 24 – So happy that when I opened the boxes to Kyle’s Christmas presents only one of them had a package of screws. I was so worried I was going to spend hours putting his presents together but everything was done and ready for him in under 30 minutes.

December 28 – A little scary that after Kyle ate his breakfast he grabbed his blanket, turned on the TV, and then sat on the couch.

January 8 – The little climber pulled himself out of his pack-n-play and came walking out of the room. I was quite surprised to see the little dude since he was supposed to be taking a nap.

January 9 – The number of items that have vanished into thin air have increased significantly since Kyle has become older, wiser, and more mobile. Either that or I am losing my mind.

January 20 – Introduced Kyle to Chef Boyardee today and he politely said no thank you to the beefaroni.

January 30 – Kyle learned what his “pee pee” was and hopefully he does not decide to share that information with people in his class.

February 3 – Kyle starting saying “Dude” today. Next we will work on “The Dude Abides.”

February 4 – So somebody might have ripped a very loud fart in front of Kyle today, and Kyle gave a puzzled look then asked “What was that?”

February 15 - It is hard to be mad at the child for not taking a nap when I walk into his room and he is practicing hand stands with his pants off in the crib. He is always doing something to make things interesting.

February 27 - Read something that is very applicable to raising a child, “ When I decided to let go of who I wanted him to be and just let him be. He flourished and I reveled in the fact that he was perfect just the way he was.”

March 5 - Sarah and I spent some time trying to figure out how many words Kyle can say and from what we can gather he is over 50. He understands a lot more than that but his vocabulary has not caught up yet.

March 7 - I swear we are doing our best to poison the little man. Today he got V8 that was 3 months past its expiration date and it produced some interesting color and texture when he pooped later that night.

March 15 - Day 1 of Kyle in his big boy bed went pretty good. He played around a little bit and I had to remind him that it was nap time. He eventually settled down and went to sleep. Fist pump!!

March 23 - On the road for our first ever Spring Break trip. We are going to Zion National Park and Mania gets to enjoy Elmo and Abby on a DVD player while we travel.

March 30 - Kyle’s last day as a 1-year-old little boy and he made laugh out loud. We were at a kid’s clothing store trying to find him some new PJs and he went to the play room to play of course. Well there was an older boy stacking blocks very efficiently and had himself a rather large stack going until Desctructocon came in and went Godzilla on it. The older boy just put his hands on his head and shook his noggin’. I am thinking he must be a big brother.

April 5 - Finally getting off my lazy behind and getting an official copy of Kyle’s birth certificate. Yes, son, I hope when you are older and reading this you are so very proud of my procrastinating skills.

Kyle and his buddy trying to polish off their cookies before the Tankster moves in for the kill.

10 Things I Love This Week

2011-04-07T21:45:00.001-06:00

My family of course, and not just this week but every week, and all my wonderful friends like you.
Discovering new things like music from Shinedown, the TV show "The Killing" on AMC, and the TV show "Archer" on FX.
This shirt. Must. Have. It.
Asking Kyle to smile. He totally poses and makes a face for the camera.
Playing softball again. It is that time of the year.
Watching Real Salt Lake. Yes, Phats, that is a soccer team.
The memories from our Spring Break trip last month to Zion National Park. It is an absolutely beautiful, therapeutic, comforting, and inspiring place. I felt like I had a spiritual awakening when I was there.
Rock stacking. Yes I stack rocks. I have collected a bunch of rocks recently for my rock garden.
Having breakfast with Kyle, Elmo, Cat (Big Cat), Dex (Dexter), Bupurt (Rupurt), Noodles (Mr. Snoodle), and Car (Carl). The actual name of the stuffed animal is in parenthesis, and name Kyle calls them is not.
Paying someone to hear you talk. Therapy might be a taboo subject for some people but it really helps me work out my issues. And boy do I have some issues.

Me and the family enjoying Zion National Park.

Kyle enjoying his birthday cupcakes. And of course the cake was designed to look like Elmo.

Tank wishing Kyle a Happy Freakin' Birthday.

Have a great rest of your week, and eat more pudding.

On this day in history

2011-03-31T20:48:00.000-06:00

From just a few days old to a happy little man playing dress up,

you always make me smile and very proud to be your father.

Kyle was born, and I entered parenthood. I have no idea how these first two years slipped by so quickly. You will forever live in my heart and mind as my little bunga that we brought home from the hospital 24 months ago. As I watch you play with your toys and chase Tank around the house with endless energy, I realize how blessed your mother and I are to have you in our lives. Looking at how much you have grown both physically and mentally is amazing. Your curiousity is getting so big, your smile so contagious, and your world is getting larger. I feel fortunate every moment that I hear you say "Da Da", and you never fail to lighten my day, my mood and my heart.

As a new chapter of your life begins, I hope that you take with you all of the love, happiness, and joy that we have surrounded you with, and know that your mother and I will love and cherish you forever. Remember that you will always be the most amazing part of my life, and don't ever stop filling the world with your beauty, laughter, and love.

Happy Birthday Kyle.

And here is a picture of Kyle and I roughly at the same age. It is somewhat scary to me how much we look alike. And that is my Mom holding me.

Spring Break

2011-03-24T19:43:00.002-06:00

Well maybe it is not the weekend for you but it is for me and the family. We are taking our first Spring Break trip together and as you read this hopefully I am enjoying some sunshine and quality time with my two favorite people. I will talk to you when I get back and return to the daily grind. Have a good one.

Sweet Sappy Molassey

2011-03-17T00:01:00.002-06:00

Most of you will be celebrating St. Patrick's Day today but around here we are enjoying Mrs. Shife's birthday. Besides giving me the greatest gift ever, my son, she is also the love of my life and my best friend. I hope you enjoy your special day wife of mine, and sorry blogging friends but here comes the sugary sweetness.

Having you to love is plenty enough to celebrate,

but now that it is your birthday there is all the more reason.

I could wish you all kinds of happy things,

and you deserve them all, but since you are so special,

I want to wish you all the happiness you have given me.

You are a warm, beautiful, and caring person,

who has made such a difference in my life.

No matter where we go or what we do,

you are the one who I want to spend that time with.

That is why I hope your birthday celebration is especially wonderful for you

because even though it only happens once a year it's a nice reminder to let you know that someone like you only happens once in a lifetime.

We have come a long way, sugar britches. I love you so much!!

A Blast From The Past

2011-03-10T20:42:00.001-07:00

It has snowed and rained all week here in Idaho, and I am tired of complaining about it so I have resorted to dreaming about sitting on a beach near the equator. The fantasizing made me think of my last trip to Mexico and a funny story so I shall share it again since most of my current readers were not aware of Mr. Shife yet. Enjoy.

Mrs. Shife and I spent 3 days south of the border in Mexico and during those 72 hours I ingested quite a few things that after being shaken, stirred, and processed in my belly were ready to take their final journey home to the big sewage plant in the sky.

So I wake up Sunday and there is a raging bear in my butt. I mean he is growling and ready to be exorcised. Everything's cool because the condo we rented with friends was spacious enough that Mrs. Shife and I have our own bathroom so if I need to create some lawn sausages we should be OK. And I have matches. My first and only travel tip, don't forget the

matches.

I am up, I say hello to my little friend (He is always up way before me), and noti

ce that Mrs. Shife is looking puzzled. She informs that there is no water (The Mexican town we are at has to truck in all its water and since they are right next to the ocean it is a little ironic) and no electricity.

This is not good, I say, and meanwhile, my bottom is growing more and more antsy. Well, I alert the colon warriors of our unfortunate surroundings and they lock down the hatches and submerge. It is like a scene in a submarine movie when the sub is cruising on top of the water and then all of the sudden the enemy appears. Everyone heads to their battle stations and the sub immediately dives back into the ocean.

Anyway, let's move forward. I tell Mrs. Shife we need to hit the road because I don't know how long I can make it sitting on these butt kabobs. So we load up our sexmobile, the 2006 Ford Taurus rental car, say our goodbyes, and begin the run for the border. Now I know what you are thinking, why not stop in town and take care of business? Well I have been in town and seen the banos, and let's just say I would rather crap my pants than take my chances with one of the local restrooms. Plus, this was the morning after a concert where there were about 4,000 drunken gringos drunk in town, and the last time I checked the sanitation of the bathrooms is not a high priority in third-world nations.

So it is about 60 miles to the border and as we get closer and closer it is becoming more apparent that I am racing the clock. The colon warriors send me a message, "We are giving her all we got, Captain." I was surprised as well to know that poop was female.

Mrs. Shife suggests that we pull over and I go outside in the desert. I thank her for the suggestion but remind her of my fear of pooping outdoors.
Let's us pause for an amusing but traumatic anecdote. Several years ago I was helping a friend with his crops, and it was a carrot field. Well in southern Idaho they use bees to help pollinate the crops and stuff so there are literally thousands of bees in the crop fields. Well, we are nowhere near a toilet and I am doubled over in pain so my friend tells me to just go in the field. So I do, and evidently, human poo is a big hit with the bees because I was in the middle of a swarm right after I began my movement. I am hurrying up to finish and swatting away bees at the same time. I finally finish the deed and as I am wiping I get stung right in the neck. So I jump up screaming several dirty words that would make sailor proud and try to pull up my jeans while I am running from this swarm of bees in the middle of a carrot field. So I don't like pooping outside.

Back to the story, we hit the border, and I am having hot flashes and sharp pains strike my stomach intermittently. The line to get across was not too shabby, so we are in the US of A. But there is nothing really on the American side that I believe would make my current situation a favorable experience so we have to wait for the first border town which is another 30 miles.

Holy Crap! Mrs. Shife is starting to get concerned because I explain to her how I am feeling in terms I believe no one has ever used before. I can't verify this information but I feel strongly that I am the first to describe my predicament in the following way.

I told my lovely wife that you know at the rodeo when they put the bull in the pen and get him all fired up, then they stick a cowboy on top of him and then the bull is really fired up. He is ready to come unglued. He is pissed. He is ready to come flying out of the gate and do some damage, and it takes all the cowboys and rodeo clowns to hold that gate down until the cowboy on top says he is ready. Well that is basically what is going on with my rectum. I have bull in the pen and he is ready to dance.

Well, to make a long story less long, we pull into town and I race into the bathroom. And it is occupied. I wait and wait, start doing a little dance because we can longer abort the mission. And dancing like a dumb, white guy is an excellent way to distract the bull in the pen.
Anyway, the dude finished up, I think he wanted to have a dance off, but I said I had a turd honking for the right of way. Maybe we can dance later. And then I William Shatnered (also known as pooping) and the world was right again.

Yay me!

And here is a picture of Kyle doing what he does best ... being adorable.

Let's do this March

2011-03-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

The days are getting longer, the temperature is getting warmer, and I am feeling the opposite of crestfallen now that the universe has started spooning with the third month of 2011. I did my best Keanu Reeves impersonation and said "Whoa" when I got to change the calendar. Being a stay-at-home Dad has definitely been an adjustment, and one of the hardest so far has been the cabin fever. Even though February is the shortest month it seemed to drag on and on this year and I am so ready for winter to be over. Besides that there are a few other items that make me very pleased that it is March

My little man and my lovely wife have birthdays this month. Is Kyle too young for a birthday stripper?
March Madness. The greatest sporting event in the history of sporting events. Not to be confused with World Cup Fever. Or Super Bowl Syphilis.
The Major League Soccer season gets under way as well as spring training for baseball. And in all fans hope springs eternal especially fans of the Cubs. No matter the circumstances, sports fans will always hope for the best and think that this year will be the year for their team. Fans of the Cubs have been hoping for more than 100 years.
Spring break. It has been a long time since we actually enjoyed a spring break but this year we are doing the pilgrimage south. I better get the thongs down to the dry cleaner.
Softball. It is time to shake off the rust and pretend that I am 32 for the next 7 months playing with friends on the ball field. And hopefully I don't do this or that.
And 11 years ago I got down on a knee and asked the love of my life to marry me. She said yes and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world having Mrs. Shife as my wife.

Mania thought my hat would look good on him as he posed for the camera. And his camo shirt did not do a good job of hiding his lunch, drool, and whatever else he thought went well with his outfit.

Life lessons

2011-02-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

Listening to country music always sends my brain spinning in some odd destinations but sometimes it is a worthwhile trip. Recently a song inspired me to keep a "Words of Wisdom" journal for Kyle. Some quotes and thoughts on life that might help or inspire him when he needs some guidance later on in his life. It will not include stuff like wash your hands, don't steal, buckle up, or respect your elders because hopefully he will not have to be reminded about these things when he is a young man if I do my job right. Other stuff I hope comes to him intuitively like don't pee in the wind or play leapfrog with a unicorn or fall in love with a stripper. Other lessons he will probably have to learn the hard way like getting over a broken heart or eating at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet before a long road trip.

So any suggestions for words of wisdom or life lessons that have served you well over the years? If not you can just suggest gift ideas for my little pirate below as he will be turning 2 next month.

Best of the Best*

2011-02-17T19:16:00.001-07:00

*these choices represent the voices in my head and by no means do these choices intend to offer legal, medical, psychiatric, veterinary, gynecological, archaeological, astronomical, astrological, ontological, paleontological, philosophical, axiological, audiological, bacteriological, mineralogical, criminological, terminological, dermatological, ecclesiastical, campanological, phrenological, phonological, technological, hematological, campanological advice, best choices are subject to change and probably will, and each choice has a sampling error of plus or minus 4 beers.

Best made-up phrase - nuclear domestic dispute or nuclear domestic argument. Just do a Google News search for Frankie Muniz and you will see what I am talking about.
Best words to have sex this week - Albert and Armageddon = Albertageddon, which is the impending doom fans of the St. Louis Cardinals feel is coming if Mr. Pujols leaves the team next year.
Best name for Yao Ming's cat - Meow Ming
Best fake book title - It's Not The Size Of The Boat: How To Live A Successful Life With A Micro Penis
Best name for your urethra - Franklin
Best reason to use those really powerful bathroom hand dryers - You get to see what it would look like if your hands went skydiving.
Best quote on a t-shirt - Live your life to the fullest so people don't have to lie at your funeral.
Best of DYAC.com - http://damnyouautocorrect.com/5483/a-mothers-love/
Best video of a 22-month-old boy watching BBC's "Walk on the Wild Side" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Edu46R7zvk. The video also features the best monkey, lion, and Michael Jackson impression by a 22-month-old boy

Best way to say it in Chinese - 大象爆炸式的拉肚子・ Da-shiang bao-tza shr duh lah doo-tze and that means "The Explosive Diarrhea of an Elephant" which is what I like to wish on douchers who happen to be douchy in my presence.
Best place to marry your first cousin - Take your pick. Shocked that Kentucky and West Virginia are so progressive. Here is the linky.

Enjoy the rest of your week and have a great weekend.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-02-10T19:52:00.002-07:00

Someone is showing control with his bladder so it is just a matter of time before the potty training begins. I'm so proud of myself that I can finally quit wearing diapers and get into big boy panties. OK it is not me but my son. For the last few days when I have been changing his diaper he will shout out "pee pee" and then relieve himself. I don't think I am ready for this chapter of the father-son relationship. Are there any Potty Whisperers out there?
At the end of January it would have been the 11-year anniversary of adopting the original Captain Furry Pants, Quincy Dog. We are still a little crestfallen and missing him but for the most part we just remember the good times and how special he was to us. Anyway, I don't know if it is coincidence or a sign from the universe that he is in a better place, but a show we watched on the anniversary was based in Quincy, MA for that episode. And then the Packers won the Super Bowl. We adopted Quincy the day after Super Bowl in 1999 and he was wearing a Green Bay Packer collar.
It is an awesome feeling watching my son be my son. At his class, the teacher blew a bunch of bubbles and the kids were suppose to pop them with their fingers and toes. Kyle popped a few with his fingers, then stomped a few with a nice karate yell (Heee Yaw), and then he got on all fours and starting eating the bubbles off the floor. That's my boy.
I never thought I would get excited about buying Kyle some Elmo pajamas, but then again I never thought I would get excited about having a nice, hot cup of tea on a winter morning. I am slowly but surely turning into my mother.
I don't like being sick. This cold/viral infection can lick my taint.
I know marriage is not for everyone but for the love of furry, rotund bassets, people who do get married need to take it a little more seriously. I know I don't know the complete story but when the rich and famous Hollywood types get married after being together for 6 minutes then divorced less than two years later it is just redonkulous. How about you date for a year or two before getting hitched? The real reason it chaps my slightly hairy butt is that these folks are actual role models for kids - even though they shouldn't be - and it is setting a horrible example. On the other hand, how often do the rich and famous really set great examples for the youngsters out there?
And since I will not update until after Valentine's Day I thought I would share a photo of the two people who have captured my heart and love forever and ever ....

10 Things I Love This Week

2011-02-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

My family of course, and not just this week but every week.
My friends. Thank you everyone for your kind words and support over my friend.
Discovering new things like comedian Kevin Hart, music from Seether and Bleu Edmonson, and the TV show "An Idiot Abroad."
Listening to Mrs. Shife laugh.
Crazy people. Watching a man drink his coffee and have a very animated conversation with a fake plant at the mall about how the government lies is not a bad way to pass some time.
Playing soccer again. It has been more than 10 years since I last suited up but I am glad to be playing indoors with some friends.
Spending time with my son because he makes me giggle. For example, he learned what his "pee pee" was and I can just imagine during his class this week when the teacher asks him what his favorite body part is he will point to his "pee pee."
Clean underwear. Trust me this is one of those stories where you want to know as little as possible.
Running with a dog. Never in a million years did I think I could run with a basset hound but Tank must have a little sled dog in him. I take the furball out twice a week for 3-4 miles and he does just fine. I am scared to go longer because it is just weird running with a basset and I don't want to hurt him.
Naps. I am going to shed many tears when Kyle decides he finds them no longer useful.

Have a great weekend, enjoy the Super Bowl, and give away what you want to receive.

Life Can Really Suck Sometimes

2011-01-27T11:18:00.002-07:00

How's that for a title? I had some lighter material planned for the blog today but after the phone call I received last night I will postpone that for another day. I did not want to bring sadness to my blog but this is my forum and I got to release it somewhere.

A friend of mine killed himself yesterday. Wow. I got goose bumps typing those words. I know he was depressed and I guess he felt the only way to stop hurting was to stop breathing. It is just really sad especially because he left behind family, friends, and two young daughters that loved him very much. I hope he found the peace he was looking for and there isn't really too much else to say.

Take care my friends, and RIP Tyson.

Another week, another random act of shifeness

2011-01-20T21:21:00.001-07:00

Do you have a sabotage gene? I think if you were raised Catholic then you most definitely have it. Anyway do you feel guilty if you think things are going to good or expect something bad to happen because life is going your way? I most certainly have one. I very cautious about saying something like "Life is good" or "My life is awesome" because I fully expect the universe to send me a little reminder about why I should not be bragging.
I wish if I had wonderful moments I could just enjoy them instead of questioning why I deserve them. Yes, I do see a therapist.
I have watched "Californication" a few times but never went out of my way to watch it. It was on the other day as background noise when I was playing on the computer when I was stopped by a line in the show: "Noble in thought, weak in action." If words ever summed me up best that would be it. I always, always have good intentions and want to do good deeds like volunteer or raise money for a cause but never have the inner drive or motivation to follow through. One day I will actually put one foot in front of the other and walk through the action door.
Jeff Bridges really is The Dude. I decided to class up my TV and taped a show on PBS called "American Masters" because it was profiling the dude who gave us The Dude. I don't think Jeff Bridges had to do a lot to transform himself into that role. He was made to play The Dude.
Bored. Google ta-ta tamers. It will go great with your Tuggie.
I have decided to ignore politics since politicians have been ignoring me.
I am not a big fan of New Year's resolutions so I don't do them but I did start two new things around the start of 2011. Well not exactly new but I decided I need to do them again, meditation and flossing. Doing a lot better on the flossing than the napping, errrr, meditation.
Stay golden, Ponyboy
A friend of ours took this picture of Tank, and I just love how intense and focused he looks. I assure you I have not replaced his dog food with crack, but he might be trying to chase down a cat because it gave him a wiener mustache.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2011-01-13T18:43:00.001-07:00

So far so good with the little man. Mrs. Shife had to go to a business conference this week so me and Mania have been on our own for 2 nights now. I haven't been forced to drink myself silly and he hasn't tried to call child protective services but he does have them on speed dial.
No matter how you feel about our current President he did deliver a very moving speech yesterday in Tucson. I know every President is raked over the coals and their actions are thoroughly dissected especially in this day of the 24-hour news cycle, but deep down I firmly believe if Obama was white he would not have to defend himself so much. I don't agree with everything he does but I feel a lot of people can't get past the fact that a black man is in the White House. I know it is 2011 but I hate to tell you this but racism is still America's dirty little secret and it is out there. It reminds me of "A Time to Kill" when the lawyer tells the jury to close their eyes and listen to a story. After describing in slow and painful detail a horrible event, he then asks the jury, in his final comment, to "now imagine she's white."
Here is a pick-up line for all of you single fellas. If you use it I think you are guaranteed to have sex with your hand. Just tell the ladies she won a full-ride scholarship to orgasm college.
I had a surreal moment with Kyle last weekend. We rented a cabin and spent some time with Mrs. Shife's family so baby boy was sleeping in his pack-n-play all weekend. Well it was nap time so I put him down in his road bed, and went into the adjacent room until he fell asleep. A few minutes later Lil' Shife came strolling out of the room all by himself. He can now climb out of his pack-n-play and it definitely freaked me out because I am not ready for that quite yet.
I posted this on Facebook. The little man is going to town on pickles. Pretty much polished off a jar in 2 days. I can rule out that he is a pregnant woman with cravings, but does anybody have an idea why the little dude is a pickle addict?
So how are you doing?

Happy New Year?

2011-01-06T12:56:00.002-07:00

Well I know it was only one day in 2011 but the events of that one day are still lingering. I don't want to get into too many details but basically I have someone I am related to that has decided to do something to another family member that is pretty appalling. I know how devastated this one family member is right now and there is nothing I can do except listen to them as they try to deal with the pain. So the person causing this suffering is out of my life. I had to do it for my own mental well being. They have done stuff to me, my wife, and my son in the past, and if I maintained a relationship with them, they would continue to do hurtful things. Honestly I amazed we have the same blood running through our veins. A friend of mine put this on Facebook and then I reposted it that sums up what I needed to do best: There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So, love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy.

I am just grateful that I have an outlet like this blog. I have met so many people through it, and actually developed quite a bond with a few of them. It might only be an electronic relationship but they are so good to me and I know I can count on them. I was reminded of that today when a wonderful gentleman that some of you know as "Just Bob" sent my darling boy a nice little gift. It wasn't necessary or requested, but he is a good guy and that is what good people do sometimes. Thank you Bob, and thank you everyone else for coming back here every now and then. It is the reminder that I need to focus on the good, and say adios to the drama.

I hope you had a good holiday season, and your new year is going well. Take care, and below is a picture of the most important little man in my life.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

2010-12-17T15:24:00.003-07:00

It is hard to believe it is that time of the year again but when I go jogging in my sports bra I am definitely reminded it is December. Just want to wish you and yours a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. I will see you in 2011, and until then remember, not on the rug, man.

If I Had One Wish

2010-12-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is because it is the holidays or maybe it just is one of those days, but whatever the case might be I am missing my Mother. Sometimes I just cry and sometimes I write and sometimes I share what I write. Well today I am sharing. It is what it is, and the Dumb, White Guy blog is a little melancholy today but I have to put this out there. I don't mean to bring you down but for me to have to happiness I must also deal with the sadness, and I am using this forum to express myself.

If I had one wish

Would I wish for you to be here with me one more day?

If I had one wish

Would I wish for you to be here with me one more day to meet your grandson?

If I had one wish

Would I wish for you to be here with me one more day to meet your grandson and see how your love will never end?

But if I had just one wish

I know what you would say, “Don’t worry I am with you and Kyle every day.”

So if I had just one wish

I would give it to someone else’s son because Mother you made all my wishes happen.

Here is a picture of my Mom with my nephew and sister. My nephew at the time would roughly be about the same age as my little man so it is a picture that I think about a lot when I am missing my Mom because I think that could be me and Kyle with her.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2010-12-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving. Oh wait that was last week. I need a time machine. For the love of fat bassets I really need to get it together. Don't worry about me, I'm just gonna go make a little macaroni and cheese, seal the windows, and turn on the gas. Well I hope you had a lovely holiday and all of your turkey day wishes came true.
Nothing like feeding my son a hot dog 2 weeks past its expiration date and then having him barf it all up in the middle of Target to make me feel like I am doing an outstanding job as a parent. I don't think Kyle will be getting me that World's Greatest Dad mug anytime soon.
Never underestimate the importance of grammar. Thanks to Yellow Dog Granny for bringing this to my attention. Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."
Joke of the day: Every day, a male co-worker would walk up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhale a big breath of air and tell her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."
I shared this on Facebook but some of you don't do Facebook or don't do me on Facebook.
I don't know what the normal addiction rate is but Kyle held out for 20 months before he succumbed to the powers of Elmo mania. The little man is a full-blown junkie and I am his dealer.
Saw this headline on the Discovery News, Teenage Great White Sharks Have Weak Bite. Definitely one of those things where I will take their word on it.

Here is the Shifley crew at this year's Thanksgiving. We hadn't eaten yet so that is why our pants still fit.

What is Up, Buttercup

2010-11-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

Hope all is well in your world. These are currently the top headlines at the Shife household:

It would be nice to enjoy the sweet taste of victory after watching football again. Both of my teams (University of Idaho and Arizona Cardinals) are circling the drain so I will be drinking the taint-flavored frappuccino that is designated for losers because they both suck and a win does not look like it will be dropping its panties anytime soon.
I made a terrible mistake and accidentally erased a voice mail on my home phone. It was the only recording I had of my Mom so I was pretty upset that I lost it.
I had to end my love affair with Mtn. Dew recently. I was just drinking it like they were going to quit making it. I am pretty sure Carrie Underwood is going to write a song about us. Anyway it has been 5 days since my last Dew binge.
I have been taught this lesson numerous times since becoming a Dad but for some reason I still don't learn. Just when you think you have your kid figured out they throw you a giant frickin' curve ball just to let you know that they are the ones running the show. Lil' Shife has been sleeping like a champ through the night and all is well in the Shifley manor. Then last night he is up for 4 straight hours and I have no idea what is going on with him. Good times.
The Tankster graduates from obedience class tonight. He is the first one from his family to graduate so we are all very excited for him.
And Kyle is finally starting to grow some hair so we were able to give him a little bit of a mohawk look.

Imagery

2010-11-12T12:20:00.006-07:00

So this is one of the latest pictures of the Tankster. As you can see he is definitely an overachiever and doing extremely well in his fat basset courses. Someone's trunk has gotten a little bit larger since he moved in with us because he barely cram his furry little butt on the ottoman. He managed to stay in that position for most of the night but eventually gravity won and he had to relocate to a space that was a little more accommodating to his rear admiral.

Someone has been watching too much "Jersey Shore." Kyle decided to sport the vest and hit the town so he could creep on the ladies. He just looks like he is ready to go clubbin' with Snooki and The Situation.

Finally with Christmas just around the corner I thought I would help out some of my faithful blog readers who want to find a very special gift for the man in their life. Nothing will say Happy Holidays like The Tuggie.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2010-11-05T12:10:00.003-06:00

This is my blog. This is my blog on sleep deprivation. It has been rough sledding for Mr. Shife lately. Lil' Shife has been sick, getting new teeth, sleep training, and learning to live without his binky (pacifier) so he has had some meltdowns in the wee hours of the morning. When I order my second child I will definitely be putting a check next to the sleep box.
We want Kyle to be a recreational binky user and not a full-blown binky junkie so we have started having him go to sleep without the comfort of his pacifier. It is safe to say he did not support our decision.
And in more binky news. To make matters less than spectacular when we went to story time yesterday the kid sitting next to Kyle was sucking on a binky the whole time like it was the last effin' binky in the whole world, and my little man was just staring him down like it was the last effin' binky in the whole world. He had that look where he just wanted to go snatch the pacifier right out of his little baby mouth. Then to make matters even more less than the spectacular (My English teacher is so happy right now with that sloppy sentence construction), one of the stories was about a baby who lost his binky.
Bored. Google Nut Valet.
Still Bored. Go to Google Maps and get directions from Japan to China. Check out #43.
Oh I love Thursdays because one of my favorite shows is on, "The League." I chuckle out loud when I hear stuff yank bank, fear boner, anticipaterection, and songs by Taco like Ghost Monkey.
I found this quote on The Daily Show rather amusing: "John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American." If you have never seen a picture of Boehner he looks like he spends more time in the tanning salon than the cast of The Jersey Shore.
Speaking of politics, I really, really detest politicians especially after reading this garbage today. It would be nice if they could act like big boys and actually remembered why they are there in the first place.
Am I a sports performance decreasing drug? I swear every time I turn on the TV to watch my football team they instantly start playing like crap, but once I turn it off they do fine.
Well have a lovely weekend, and I will talk to you later. Here is a picture of someone ready to go for a ride. I am pretty sure he wanted to go to the police station to file a report that someone stole all of his binkies.