Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy

The Murtaugh List

2009-11-03T05:52:00.000-07:00

The Murtaugh List is a list made famous by the TV show "How I Met Your Mother" and is inspired by Danny Glover's character Roger Murtaugh in the movie series "Lethal Weapon." Murtaugh's catch phrase in these movies was "I'm too old for this shit" Putting something on the Murtaugh List acknowledges that as you grow up, there's stuff you just can no longer do that you did in your youth.
So what might be on your Murtaugh List?
Here are a few that would be on my list:

Going to a bar that has been featured on "Girls Gone Wild."
Dropping E and going to a rave.
Jagermeister.
Crash on a friend's futon for the night instead of getting a hotel room.
Tea bag a friend.
Suck the white filling out of twinkies in a portapotty.
Get another tattoo.
Karaoke a certain song by "The Backstreet Boys."
Wear the fashion of Magnum P.I. The big busy mustache, the short shorts, the shirt unbuttoned down to your penis.
Incorporate "How much extra for the midget?" into a sentence on a semi-regular basis.
Make a love connection in jail.
To be featured on any Fox reality show especially "When Animals Attack," "Cops," or "America's Most Wanted."
Eat at a Chinese buffet restaurant.
Be assassinated by a Ninja.
Buy shirts from the "I'm Not Having Any Sex Catalog."
Join the Dr. Phil Fan Club.
Get into a food fight with a cannibal.
Renew my membership to the International Federation of Americans against Plumber's Ass.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Tell this joke again: Two cows were standing in a field when one goes, "Mooo." The other replies, "Damn, I was just about say that."

And here is a picture of Mrs. Shife and Baby Shife dressed up for Halloween:

Have a great week!

Random Acts of Shifeness

2009-10-27T10:06:00.005-06:00

Baby Shife's first Halloween and he is going to look pretty awesome if I must say so myself. He and Mrs. Shife are working on their costumes together. I should have a nice picture for you next week.
Speaking of Baby Shifley, here is the link to his 6-month-old video that I made, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-mbWkAlww4
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The last bullet point was actually a Random Act of Baby Shifeness. I am not fluent in baby talk so someone might need to translate for me but that was him typing on the keyboard.
Anyone excited about the Yankees-Phillies in the World Series? I guess I just want to see the Yankees lose but that is about the only thing that makes it interesting to me.
Maybe I watched too many X-Files episodes or I am just a skeptical person but I find it interesting that they think they found Amelia Earhart's final resting place just as the movie about her is about to be released into the wild.
I put this on Facebook but wanted to share here as well because I miss Mitch Hedberg. I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls ... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Screw it, cut em up!"
I dislike broccoli intensely so let's just get that out of the way. Anyway it looks a great deal like cauliflower so do you think it is envious of cauliflower? Wait for it. It is like a joke grenade. Or perhaps cauliflower is just scared broccoli? Something to think about.
Have a great week and I hope you have a wonderful Halloween. See you in 7 days.

And here he is ...

Rookie Dad Journal Highlights

2009-10-20T12:59:00.003-06:00

September 1 – Baby Shife got to go to his first birthday party today. He got groped by a 1-year-old but he took it all in stride like he knows he is a ladies man. Pass the Courvoisier.

September 2 – Baby Shife tried rice cereal yesterday and we tried it again today. It was fun feeding him and watching him make a huge mess. The fat basset enjoyed it as well because he got some of the leftovers that didn’t quite make it to Baby Shife's mouth. This might be the event that unites baby and Quincy.

September 5 – Baby Shife went to his first college football game as we went to the Wazzu home opener and watched them play Stanford. He had a good time and was a good baby.

September 7 – Headed back home today and there was only was visit from the mud butt fairy, but he was not happy camper when we got back to the house and tried to put him to bed. He was pretty fussy for about 2 hours before he finally calmed down.

September 10 – Just love feeding him his rice cereal. Whoever said it is the little things must of have kids. Feel so blessed to have a beautiful baby boy.

September 11 – Baby Shife went through the car wash and it did not enjoy the experience. A little too loud for him. I also bought a Wii today and I sure hope kids are still playing them when he is older. He also got his Aunt a nice birthday present

September 12 – On the road to Salt Lake City to watch a MLS game. Mrs. Shife and Baby Shife watched the first half and then headed back to the hotel. They were both tired after a long day but the game was a lot of fun. Really cool stadium and Baby Shife handled it well.

September 13 – Back home after our trip to Salt Lake City. Baby Shife got to watch a little bit of the football Cardinals play today and it looks like the same old Cardinals. I hope he doesn’t have to wait as long as I did to see his favorite NFL team make it to the Super Bowl.

September 14 – He is getting so close to crawling. Baby Shife can move backwards, and he gets his butt up in the air then gets up on all fours but can’t get the motor moving forward. But he is pretty darn close to becoming a mobile baby.

September 16 – Baby Shife tried out sweet potatoes today and didn’t care for them too much.

September 17 – Baby Shife made another appearance at Mommy’s office and brought productivity to a stand still.

September 18 – Going back to the Palouse but this time it will only take an hour. It sure is nice to fly to Moscow instead of driving. Hope Baby Shife will enjoy his second plane ride as much as his first one.

September 19 – Baby Shife’s first Vandal game and it was a good one. He had a good time because he got kisses from a 3-year-old girl the whole game. And Idaho won too.

September 23 – He is getting so active and developing a little personality. It is like trying to herd a wet cat sometimes when I am changing his diaper.

September 24 – Some days it is being a parent, and then some days you feel like you have no idea what you are doing. Yesterday he ate great, took nice naps, and was a happy baby. Today he is the exact opposite of that previous sentence.

September 25 – Our 5-year-anniversay and it is hard to believe we would be so blessed with a wonderful little man.

September 26 – Baby Shife supposedly ate “organic” sweet potatoes this week and boy oh boy did they produce some not so "organic" farts. The kid was dropping bombs like a veteran. And then when the farts decided to transform into a solid mass. Really nice Clark. Really nice. I think his room is going to smell for weeks after that crap burger he dropped in his Huggies.

September 29 – We are having a heck of a time keeping Baby Shife idle while we change his diaper. He just moves around and around and does not want to sit still. I am thinking we might have to strap him down with duct tape just to get a new mud butt holder on him.

September 30 – Hard to believe but he is 6-months-old. Wow.

And your weekly photo fix:

Midget Westerns

2009-10-13T10:30:00.000-06:00

Hey there everybody. I apologize in advance for not having some hot and fresh content for you today but what I wanted to do isn't going to happen so it will have to wait until next week. But this is an oldie but a goodie (well at least I think so) of mine that I posted when I wasn't allowing comments so now you can comment away. Or you can just scroll down to the bottom and check out Baby Shife's latest picture. He just got his 6-month-old portraits done and it is hard to believe how much the little dude has grown up.

Inspired by a Far Side cartoon, I proudly present the Sawed-Off Western Collection that can't be found anywhere but in my imagination

1. Hang 'Em Not So High
2. Short Noon
3. Dwarf Plains Drifter
4. The Little Person Who Shot Liberty Valence
5. 3:10 Short Bus to Yuma
6. The Modest Seven
7. The Outlaw Shorty Wales
8. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Midget Robert Ford
9. Butch Cassidy and the Short Pants Kid
10. The Good, The Bad, and The Vertically Challenged

Hard to believe how big he is getting. Time sure does fly by when you are a parent.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2009-09-29T10:23:00.006-06:00

I had to break out the pants today. Fall is officially here. Yuk.
My good friend Phats had me make college football picks for his blog. They will be up Wednesday or Thursday. Check them out if you are interested in my completely "scientific" approach to picking football games.
The new TV season is in full swing and I have only added two new shows to my list, "Modern Family" and "Flashforward." I really liked them both. "Modern Family" has that "Arrested Development" feel to it so that was a good sign. And "Flashforward" will get the "Lost" comparisons but it could develop into something really nice and interesting.
Heading back to the Midwest this week. Taking Baby Shifley back for the first time to meet some of his other relatives. We were suppose to go back in July but our plans got changed by a canceled flight. Anyway looking forward to taking him to a Cardinals game and seeing some family. But I have to admit I had a really bad night Sunday thinking about my Mom and how much I wished she would be there when we arrived at the airport.
I know it is probably just a coincidence but Baby Shifley is just drawn to the TV when there is a baseball game so I am curious to see how he reacts to seeing it live. Like I said I know it is probably just a coincidence and if there was ballet on there he would most likely check it out, but I just like to think he is going to be a baseball nut like his old man.

The fat basset and Baby Shifley are starting to share. More like Captain Furry Pants is enjoying some of the little man's blankets. It is a start and maybe now that Baby Shife is eating solid foods they will get along even better.
My softball season officially ended yesterday. We won our last game and after 36 league games, 5 tournaments, and a few practices I can finally let my body get healed up. I think I might be getting too old for this game. But I know I will be getting excited come spring when it is to lace up the cleats again.
Well my friends have a great week and a lovely weekend. It will be quiet here on the blog for about 2 weeks because we will be on vacation so take care and talk to you later.

And here is a shot of my little Cardinals fan. As I mentioned he is starting to eat solid foods so we get to break out all of his cool bibs. He is almost 6-months-old and is still an absolute joy to me. I love that little baby more and more every day and I feel so fortunate that I am able to spend so much time with him on a regular basis.

Thoughtful, Athletic Blogger Seeking Laughs

2009-09-22T12:13:00.002-06:00

I was going to write about the deep and diabolical messages behind "The Smurfs", but I got Smurfaphobic so instead you get the highly-anticipated real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads. And for those of you that just want your Baby Shife fix just skip down to the bottom to see the handsome, little man.

Women abbreviations

40-ish - 48
Adventurer - Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic - Flat-chested
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Bring your penicillin
Educated - College dropout
Emotionally Secure - Medicated
Feminist - Fat; ball buster
Free spirit - Substance user
Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun - Annoying
Gentle - Comatose
Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
New-Age - All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned - Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud
Passionate - Loud
Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional - Real Witch
Romantic - Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Weight proportional to height - Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate - One step away from stalking
Widow - Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart - Toothless crone

Male abbreviations

40-ish- 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated- Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit- Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking - Arrogant
Honest - Pathological Liar
Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle- Insecure, overly dependent
Mature - Until you get to know him
Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit - I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet - Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable - Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful - Says "Please" when demanding a beer

We took the little man to our alma mater, the University of Idaho, to watch their football home opener. And this is Mrs. Shife and Baby Shife getting ready to get their tailgate on.

The Shifleys enjoying some football action.

Game over and the Idaho Vandals win so they come over and sing the fight song to the fans. Probably my favorite picture of the day because of the look on Baby Shife's face. He looks shocked that our team won the game. And to be honest I was a little shocked they won too.

WTF????

2009-09-15T11:07:00.002-06:00

A few things over the past week that have made me stop and go "WTF?!?!?!?"

Warning on Pepto Bismol - Check it out if you have a bottle around the house. Evidently you can suffer hearing loss from taking Pepto. I never knew diarrhea and Pepto Bismol could be so lethal. Oh and it can also give you a black tongue. This stuff is awesome. Do a search for Pepto Bismol side effects.
Steven Seagal - Deputy Sheriff - Yep. And there will be a reality show about it.
Star Jones - Just hearing her name makes me cringe.
A woman who gave her son up for adoption 10 years ago is now accused of having sex with the teen after finding him on the Internet. Here is the story ...
Heard this "swell" pick up line - “Great legs, what time do they open?”
A golf club designed so you can pee in it while you are on the golf course. Just unscrew the top and piss away. Yeah, that seems normal. http://www.uroclub.org/
Are you an adult baby? Maybe I should rephrase that ... Are you a nutbar with serious mental health issues? http://www.ineedamommy.com
Remember when you were drunk or delusional and wished they would make another Rambo? Well your wish came true. Heading to a theater near you in 2011, Rambo 5. You can thank me later.
Boxer Juan Manuel Marquez drinks his own pee. I am pretty sure 5 out 5 dentists will agree that is not going to help prevent gingivitis. And I am pretty sure 100 percent of my blog readers will think that it is sick and wrong.

And here is your weekly fix of Baby Shife. This is a picture of him pretending to be a Baby Gap model.

Labor Day Weekend

2009-09-08T12:01:00.004-06:00

Sorry it has taken me a little longer than usual to get my weekly update posted but I have been busy putting away my white thongs for the season. I don't want to get busted by the fashion police.
So how was your long weekend? Mine was pretty good. Thanks for asking.
The Shifley family heading north for a football game and to visit family. All in all the little man was good, and the baby boy wasn't too bad either. And the mud butt fairy only visited Baby Shife once during the car ride so that was nice.
The highlight of our weekend was taking Baby Shife to his first college football game. I admit I was a little nervous seeing how he would handle being surrounded by 23,000 screaming football fans. But, and I might be a tad biased, he did awesome.
However don't take my word for it. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so I will let you see how much fun he had, and plus I think my fingers might get a little tired if I had to type a thousand words.

Spending some quality time with his cousin

He might be cheering or filling up his diaper

Thumbs always taste better after you have been tailgating

Happy that the Cougars scored a touchdown or he might have spotted a cheerleader

I think he spotted the beer vendor

Game over

I hope everyone had a great weekend and the short week is kind and swift to you. Baby Shife needs to get plenty of rest because next weekend he will be going to a Major League Soccer game in Salt Lake City.
Take care and see you in 7 days.

Rookie Dad Journal

2009-09-01T09:51:00.005-06:00

I actually do keep a journal of the highs and sometimes lows of my days with my little man. Some of the entries do not deserve to see the light of the day but I thought some of my wonderful blogging buddies might find a few of them entertaining so without further ado I present some August posts from Mr. Shife's Rookie Dad Journal:

August 1 – Baby Shife went downtown to the Basque Block and spent some time at the San Inazio Festival. He also got to go inside his first bar at The Basque Center. I tried to talk him into doing body shots off Mrs. Shife but he passed. And at least they did not kick him out of the bar like Chili’s did.
August 3 – The highest of highs, the lowest of lows. Baby Shife can smile at me and I just love him more and more which makes you feel pretty special. Or he can be sitting in his car seat and you leave the room for a minute and come back to find an empty car seat. He base jumped from his car seat on the kitchen table onto the floor. He was a little upset but there was not visible damage, but I just felt like a terrible Dad.
August 4 – Do not bounce, stimulate, excite, or fire up the baby up just after he has finished eating. You can expect the milk he just ate to come back up a few minutes later all over the floor. This method would be great if we were trying to herd some cats but not advisable if you want your child to keep their food down.
August 5 – He has rolled over before but today I got to witness it firsthand. Pretty cool watching the little dude grow up and start to do things. It also means I need to keep an eye on him at all times if he is in a place where he can roll off something and onto the floor.
August 6 – Captain Mud Butt made a visit today. Not a pretty sight in Baby Shife’s crib.
August 7 – Baby Shife is back on the road again as we are going to Grandma and Grandpa's house for the weekend.
August 8 – Baby Shife got to meet some new people and got a lot of new presents.
August 9 – Back on the road again. 7 hours later and the tally is two visits from the mudbutt fairy, a fussy baby, and tired and grumpy parents.
August 10 – Rookie dad mistake: When using the bulb syringe make sure you clean it out away from your child’s mouth. I was trying to blow the bulb’s contents into a tissue and missed, but it dropped right into Baby Shife’s mouth. I am sure it will not be the first time he eats his own snot but he did not need any help from me.
August 13 – Rookie dad mistake: If you are going out in public do not put on your public wearing outfit until after you have fed your baby. I just changed into my gear and then fed Baby Shife and then Baby Shife puked all over me.
August 14 – Baby Shife discovered the power of his thumb today. So if he learns how to walk then I am going to have make sure he doesn’t become a little hitchhiker.
August 18 – It may have been a coincidence but when I went to pick Baby Shife up this morning he reached out his arms as if he was saying pick me up Daddy.
August 20 – Automated phone systems evidently do not understand baby talk. I was on the phone with Sallie Mae with Baby Shife crying in the background and the phone system disconnected because they could not understand my responses. So do not talk to automated phone systems with a baby crying in the same room.
August 24 – Baby Shife is developing quite the death grip. I will have him lay on my chest and he will grab my cheeks and try to eat my face. I think he is trying to give a kiss. Or he might be a cannibal.
August 26 – I think Baby Shife thought about putting in his adoption papers to find a new Dad after watching me play softball today. I was awful in front of my son. He looked like he was napping but I think he was faking it so he didn’t have to watch me play anymore.
August 28 – B aby Shife went to the office today to put some hours in with Mom. He also is making a habit of sleeping on his chest now, and it is just really weird seeing the little man sleeping that way. He still looks like a little angel.
August 29 – Went down to the Greenbelt and tested out Baby Shife in his jogging stroller. He seems like he will do just fine when he is all strapped in so we are good to go with our new personal trainer - Baby Shife.
August 31 – Baby Shife closed out the month by spending a few more hours at Mommy’s office. He didn’t close any deals but he definitely brought productivity at the office to a screeching halt. He also turned 5-months-old. Hard to believe.

Have a wonderful Labor Day weekend, and remember you don't need a parachute to skydive, you just need a parachute if you want to skydive twice. I am sure I have said that before on my blog but I just wanted to say it again. I kinda like it.

Rational Thoughts in an Irrational World??

2009-08-25T09:07:00.000-06:00

As germaphobic as our society has become it amazes me that people will not think twice about sticking a ketchup package in their mouth to tear it open. I shudder at the thought of how many times that package has been handled before it makes its my way. And isn't it about time the ketchup package evolved? Is there a secret ketchup package conspiracy we are unaware of that does not allow the manufacturing of a new type of ketchup container?
I have an upright vacuum cleaner. It sucks and it does a good job of sucking. But I don't understand why I have a headlight on my upright vacuum cleaner. I don't vacuum in the dark or in a wall-to-wall community carpet arena where other people are also vacuuming and the headlight could help keep me safe from a vacuum collision. Having a headlight on the vacuum makes about as much sense as having a headlight on your iron. I am not going to iron in the dark either. I just don't get it.
I find it disturbing that journalists are using Twitter updates as reliable news sources. I find it really sad too.
I know the health care debate has numerous issues but one way to keep the costs down is if we had better eating habits and took better care of ourselves. The fast food nation and the super sizing of kids and adults is starting to get a little scary.
Has anyone been completely satisfied with a premium car wash? The ones where they wash, vacuum, clean the interior, etc. I always feel like I am not getting my money's worth when I get one.
Every other day it seems like Yahoo has something on their home page telling us what jobs are going to be in demand in the next few years. Well I don't know about the next few years but in about 2 decades I think the tattoo removal business is going to be huge. I just think a lot of folks are going to regret the arm sleeves and the neck tattoo when they hit their 40s.
And I better get to picture time of Baby Shifley before I lose all my readers with my negativity. The first one is the little man dreaming about touchdowns I guess. He slept like this for about 5 minutes. I guess he is looking forward to the football season too. And the next one is him sitting in Mrs. Shife's arms looking like he is saying a little prayer. I am not sure what he is praying for but maybe it is for a ride on the fat basset.
Have a great 7 days and my tip of the week is don't fry bacon in the nude.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2009-08-18T10:16:00.005-06:00

Where the heck did Summer go? It just flew by. I am not looking forward to the upcoming months. Fall can suck it. I have a restraining order against Winter but she always breaks it, and I think she owes me child support. And I can barely tolerate Spring because I am longing for Summer.
From the Rookie Dad journals ... I am not sure if this was a coincidence but it sure seemed like it. Well I was feeding Baby Shife and things were going well. He had a nice rhythm going and was just about done when his Dad - that's me - farted something fierce. It was bad. The fat basset howled, the neighborhood cat went blind, squirrels threw nuts at our house, the postman only rang once, and gay men quit buying Barbra Streisand albums (Do gay men still like Streisand?). It was that bad. Anyway I am trying not to gag myself when the little man starts to cough and choke and I have to pull the bottle out so he can breathe but he starts coughing and choking more because he just got big taste of Dad's ass sandwich. Poor kid almost starting bawling right on the spot. Eventually the brown fog lifted and all was right in the Shifley household. Except for the underwear I was wearing. I had to burn those banana hammocks.
Some of you are also on Facebook so you already seen these pictures but I have to share with the rest of you who have not caught the Facebook Flu. So this is a picture of the fat basset drinking out of the bucket I was icing my foot in after I sprained my ankle playing softball. I don't know if the "heeling" powers of Captain Furry Pants helped speed up the recovery but I like to think it was his way of helping make me feel better.
Next up is a photo of Baby Shifley with his first trophy. This past weekend we had great weather so Baby Shifley and Mrs. Shife got to come out for all of my team's softball games, and they must have been good luck because we went 5-0 and want the tournament. Here is a picture of my little man with the trophy.
And here is the latest and greatest toy for my little bundle of joy. His little jumper and he is already going crazy on it. Hopefully you will not be able to see my porn collection in the background.
That's all for this week folks. See you in 7 days, and have a good one. And remember what McGruff said, "Take a bite out of crime."

An epic battle

2009-08-11T09:43:00.001-06:00

Bigger than Ninjas vs. Pirates. Coke vs. Pepsi. Top vs. Bottom.
More important than health care reform (probably not, but just work with me here).

My blogging buddies what you are about to read is the next great debate that will eventually take the world by storm: Should I wear a bear t-shirt or a wolf t-shirt?
I was strictly a wolf t-shirt man but a humble and wise man from parts unknown made me see the light and realize how wrong I have been about bear shirts.

I used to be a wolf shirt guy, until I discovered bear shirts. Bear shirts are much more mystically powered and attract an even more powerful woman. Even a woman wearing a bear shirt can attract a more powerful woman. A man wearing a bear shirt (bear-shirt-man) is held in such high esteem that most in the area are too intimidated to approach or even look at bear-shirt-man. Most of the time, they try to pretend bear-shirt-man isn't even in the room. That pays dividends when bear-shirt-man has attracted a particularly good wants-to-be-with-bear-shirt-man-woman. These women can usually be described in excess of 5 feet, 10 inches, a good quality weight that won't be pushed around in a tornado, a generally attractive fe-mullet hair style, saddle-baggish thighs, ability to slam crush beer cans with their hands, and the capacity to spit non-menthol snuff at least 10 feet. These hot mamas have been known to spend their time working as repo trucks drivers or lumber jills. The benefits of bear shirt are neverending. For example, when you wear your bear shirt to the diner you can count on getting the best table by the kitchen where your food will be hotter when it gets to your table than the poor wolf-shirt-men who has to sit up by the bar where the skanky ladies hover. At the oil change place, bear-shirt-man doesn't even get asked if he wants to change his 'air filter' or 'johnson rod'. Oil-change-place guy knows that bear-shirt-guy knows what the hell he's doing and won't fall for some eco-scam about oil recycling. Bear shirts rule. I once saw a bear shirt eat a wolf shirt.

There you have it folks. Simple math, Bear Shirt > Wolf Shirt.
Are you convinced? Are you a wolf shirt or a bear shirt?

And I didn't forget your weekly fix of Baby Shife. Here you go:

Random Acts of Shifeness

2009-08-04T09:00:00.003-06:00

Post #550. I think if I hit 1000 I get an ultimate set of Google steak knives.
These two sick and twisted thoughts made their way out of my brain this past week: 1) It sucks when the first time you go to bed with the new person in your life and you take off your underwear and throw them at the wall and they stick, and 2) It sucks when you go to bed drunk, wake up with a hangover and a throbbing erection in hand ... then realize it isn't yours.
Would you shop at a floor and tile store if it was named "Floorgasm"?
The next great boy band idea. I know why the hell am I thinking about boy bands, but anyway ... Four guys, no shirts, and they call themselves Fourskin.
I have been watching too much "How I Met Your Mother." I big-time resisted this show because I hate shows with laugh tracks, but I watched a few episodes and it grew on me. I must admit that I really enjoy it now. Plus I get to watch reruns on Lifetime and I love seeing the promos for their upcoming movies of the week like "Touched by an Uncle."
Anyone excited about the new G.I. Joe movie? I think it looks really bad but that is just me.
Mrs. Shife and I have our official second date since the baby was born. His aunt will be babysitting while we go out and enjoy a Cross Canadian Ragweed concert.
It has only taken 5 plus years at our house but the fat basset finally received some mail. He got a catalog from Intercollegiate Studies Institute. I have no idea how they got his name. It is really funny - at least to me - because they addressed it to Quincy Rutherford, and Rutherford is the middle name I gave him when we first rescued him. Anyway below you will still the photographic evidence.
Baby Shife might not turn out to be the next Michael Phelps but he hit the water for the first time this week and seemed to like it. He didn't pee in the pool. Now if only his Dad could break himself of that habit.

Oh Canada

2009-07-28T00:28:00.000-06:00

First off thanks to everyone for their support, advice, and all-around coolness last week. It was just one of those days and it actually got a little scarier. I found a lump where you don't want to find lumps, and had to get an ultrasound down there to make sure everything was OK. Fortunately everything was OK but quite frankly it did scare me a lot to hear the C word mentioned in the same sentence with "your testicle." Anyway everything is cool now so let's move on to something more entertaining ...

So I can't believe I have not talked about how Canada turned me down but I hope you enjoy it. For those of you here just to get your Baby Shife fix just scroll down to the bottom and you will find the little angel. Well a long time ago in a county far, far away, my fraternity brothers and I were enjoying - and I by enjoying I mean abusing - alcohol at a bar in Kellogg, Idaho. It was Labor Day weekend and we were there for a buddy's wedding. Closing time comes and I am not ready to call it a night. For some odd reason I felt a trip to Canada sounded like a reasonable plan of action at 2 in the morning. I heart Canada and it had been a long time since I had seen her so I needed me a little maple leaf fix. I asked those who were left standing if anyone was interested in making a trip to the land of hockey, maple syrup and peeler bars and surprisingly I only got one volunteer. Off we went.
Buddy - yes let's call him Buddy - and I hopped a fence and we were hitchhiking west on Interstate 90. And we got a ride rather quickly. A guy in a little pick up stopped for us about 5 minutes into our adventure. As we headed west the conversation got rolling and it turns out none of us were legal to drive. The driver did not have a license and Buddy and I were hammered. Oh and the driver might have been over the legal limit as well. Not the smartest thing I have ever done but neither was hitchhiking to Canada at 2 in the morning. We did make it to Coeur d' Alene and he drops us off. Did I mention our driver had a lot of beer in his truck and gave us some for the rest of our journey? So Buddy and I are cruising through one of the bigger cities in Idaho looking for another ride and chugging beers. Finally we get picked up again and start our way north and make it to Athol a few hours later. You will have to look up these towns if you really want to know where I was but this is a small podunk logging town with a lot of interesting characters. Buddy and I roll in just as there is a shift change at the logging mill so we get picked up right away by one of the I would think most interesting characters. It is about 5 in the morning and we are beyond wasted. We have hit the drinker's high. Kinda like a runner's high just with alcohol. But we get brought back down to Earth by our latest driver. The dude was straight up looney tunes. He decided to give us a ride all the way to Sandpoint and along the way he decided also to share with us his theories on how he was actually "The Last Starfighter." Yes, please take a moment to drink all that in. So The Last Starfighter tells us all about his adventures from outer space. Buddy and I are ready to bail because we don't know if we are going to get beamed up someplace not so friendly or if The Last Starfighter is just an overly friendly nutbar. So once we hit Sandpoint we start walking as fast as we can away from The Last Starfighter because we are both worried he is going to tear us another Black Hole. I could make this long story even longer but I will tighten it up. We had a friend in Sandpoint that we called and he came and got us. Buddy and I got a few hours of sleep then we headed further north to Canada but alas it was not meant to be as one of Canadian's finest security guards deemed us unruly to enter their fine and sacred land. Or it might have been because Buddy had been arrested in Canada before and failed to mention it to me before we hit the road. We did not get in. We were so close. I could smell the Canadian awesomeness. But my love for Canada was unrequited. I wiped a single tear away (maybe two) and we headed back to Kellogg. After all I went through to get to her I still can't believe Canada treated me that way. I still to this day only eat made in the USA Canadian bacon and refuse to have sex with Shania Twain just to let Canada now that I will never forget.

Short and sweet

2009-07-21T13:30:00.003-06:00

I was already to dazzle everyone with my hitchhiking to Canada story but right now I feel like one of the housewives on "Mad Men." I got breast milk all over me, I haven't showered in two days, and I am ready to say "Jager take me away." Me and Baby Shife are having a battle of the Wills. He likes Will Smith. I like Will Ferrell. But seriously he will not sleep. I don't know what to do. Does this automatically happen when they turn 16-weeks-old? I love this kid but days like today make me feel like a complete failure as a parent. Oh and did I mention when he starts crying then the fat basset starts howling. Good times people. Good times. So I am barely hanging in there today and I hope I will have time next week to write the Canada story. I have included the weekly photo fix for everyone and a couple of Facebook posts that I thought were funny. Have a great week and hopefully life at the Shife hacienda will not be as crazy next week.

Attack of the Blue Dong ... I mean "The Watchmen" out today on DVD. I wonder if they will have a Blue Ballin' special edition DVD.
If you were on the fence about eating goat penis - http://bit.ly/inpwQ - this should really help make your decision a little easier.
And this month's featured shirt from the "I'm Not Getting Laid" catalog, http://bit.ly/cRspp
I have to be serious for a moment and share this utterly disturbing link especially if you love dogs, http://bit.ly/44VdbZ
On a lighter note I just beat my previous record for number of consecutive days I have been alive.

Thanks Red

2009-07-14T13:05:00.001-06:00

The title of the post makes me feel like I am repeating dialogue from one of the "Hellboy" movies. But instead thanks goes to blogging buddy Red for tagging me and asking me to share 10 things honest things about myself ... so here it goes:

Besides waking up and saying "I can't believe I am XX years old today" there are two other things I do on my birthday. I watch "The Big Lebowski" and I call one of my best friends from college because we share the same birthday.
I love sports, and I pretty much have a favorite team in most of the leagues but there are 4 teams that I absolutely follow passionately. The St. Louis Cardinals in baseball, the Arizona Cardinals in football, the North Carolina Tar Heels in college basketball, and the University of Idaho Vandals in college football.
My favorite word is crestfallen followed closely by sullied.
I have grown up with basset hounds, but Quincy the fat basset and the basset previous to that, Higgins, are my true basset loves. Those two dogs will always have a special place in my heart. We will get another dog someday and it will be a basset but I think it will be more for my little man if he wants a dog. And I will love this dog as well but Captain Furry Pants and Higgins came along during really great parts of my life. By the way, Quincy is fine so I hope I don't sound like I am saying he is taking a dirt nap soon.
My nickname is Shife based off of my last name. Anyway it is also featured in a rap song because "Being Shife" is being hardcore. The name of the song is "Lookin' Shife" by Pimp Squad Click.
I am about 95% deaf in my left ear. Born that way.
My favorite quote: "A crowded elevator smells different to a midget." I like it because it is funny but it is also more than just a silly phrase. Sometimes we lose track of what we don't have instead of what we do have, and your life is about your view, your perspective.
My favorite food is pizza, and the best place I ever, ever, and I mean ever had pizza was at Giordano's in Chicago.
I have hitchhiked 3 times in my life. The most adventurous was going from Kellogg, Idaho to the Canadian border. A buddy and me left the bar at closing time and decided we wanted to go to Canada. So we hopped a fence and stuck out our thumbs and made it to the border about 16 hours later. We ended up getting 4 rides to make it there, and the sad thing is once we got to the border they would not let us in. That is an even longer story.
The best place I ever saw a concert was at the Gorge in George, Washington. Metallica played and it was freakin' awesome. Metallica is great but the setting is what really made this concert awesome. If you ever get a chance to go to the Gorge in George do not hesitate. Do it.
Oh and a bonus one because I have to eat my words on something. I have bashed Twitter here numerous times but I finally signed up and must admit it is not as bad as I thought. I enjoy some aspects of it so I will continue to tweet for the time being. Here is my info if you tweet as well, http://www.twitter.com/mrshife.

And here is your weekly Baby Shife fix:

Random Acts of Shifeness

2009-07-07T14:28:00.000-06:00

Thank you to everyone for your kind words regarding my last post. I sincerely appreciate it and I just wanted to let you know.
This literally sucks, and it is also basic math. Pool filter, a few drinks and your penis do not add up to what one would call a great evening. Read all about it right here, Dong and Pool Filter Link. And feel free to insert (poor choice of wording there) your Free Willy jokes.
For the love of overweight circus midgets what is wrong with people? I wish the following sentence I am about to type was just a figment of my imagination but sadly it is true. A year ago, Lisa, 16, ran away with a grandfather 30 years her senior. So did the couple live happily ever after?
And a few notes from the Rookie Dad journal. Just when I think I kind of got a handle on the whole being a Dad thing Baby Shife throws me a curve ball. The other night he was extremely fussy and did not want to sleep. When he did sleep he would wake up 5-10 minutes later screaming bloody murder and crying like the Cubs won the World Series (I am a Cardinals fan by the way). If this was an episode of Scooby-Doo I would have said "Ruh Roh Raggy" and hid behind some desk. But with the help of my lovely wife and some Scooby snacks (read: BEER) we tamed the wild child. From what we can gather he was having a growth spurt and it looks like his swaddling days are over. He puts up a big fight now when he gets wrapped up burrito-style so we are letting him sleep with his arms out.
I was re-watching "The Kite Runner" and this quote from the movie really stuck with me, "Children are not like coloring books. You can't fill them in with your favorite colors." I don't want to be one of those parents that tries to live my dreams and fantasies through my child. Sure I would love it if my son loved baseball and the Cardinals as much as I do and maybe even became a pretty good ball player but I am not going to shove that down his throat. I just want him to be happy and to be himself. I have to remind myself of that when he is a teenager and starts making fashion statements. I sure hope kids are pulling up their pants by then.
And here is your weekly fix of the cutest baby I know:

Cherish each moment

2009-06-30T12:59:00.004-06:00

Well I certainly can't believe it will be a year tomorrow that I faced the darkest day of my life. And nearly 365 days later I still miss my beloved Mother terribly. The joy of having a newborn son has helped ease the pain, but nothing can ever replace the loss of my Mom. I would do almost anything to be able to share another day with her and introduce her to her beautiful grandson. But I know what we do in this life echoes an eternity, and my mom is part of me and thus she is a part of that boy of mine. It will be a tough one tomorrow but I will make it through and I just want to remind everyone that life is short and you never know when it will be taken away so please cherish each moment.

"Cherish Each Moment"

Stop waiting for the one moment in time that will change your life. Instead, cherish all the moments. A desert cactus that blooms briefly only once a year does not consider all the moments it is not in bloom wasted. It considers them necessary and important. It knows the rest of the year, the rest of its life, it is beautiful, too.

All the moments count. The quiet moments. The moments of boredom and solitude. The moments of sharing. The exciting moments of discovery. The moments of grandeur. The agonizing moments when we feel sad, angry, and upset. Each moment in time is equally important. Don't wait and hope for the one thing, the one person, the one event, that will change your life, plummet you into the future and the life you desire. Instead remember that each moment in time brings change, evolution, and transformation.

Most of us relish the magnificent spiritual experience, those tremendous discoveries, those important times of change. But those moments don't happen that often. The truth is, each moment in time is a spiritual experience, an important time of change. Cherish all your moments. Soon you will see the beauty and power of each.

Let each moment have value. Let each day of your life be the spiritual experience you seek. The power to change and evolve lies within you. The life you desire is happening right now. Your destiny is here.

Cherish all your moments. Embrace the beauty and importance of each one.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2009-06-23T12:30:00.000-06:00

It has been one of those days. I ate something that evidently does not think I am a good host. I swore at one point at the gym if I did one more squat I was going to be blowing mud all over the floor.
Speaking of blowing mud. The rookie dad learned another lesson. It is highly recommended when you are feeding your son whose is only wearing his diaper to make sure the diaper is nice and snug. Kinda of like you are suppose to check your tires before you hit the road. It would have been a better evening for me if I had checked Baby Shife's diaper tires because there was flat on the rear passenger side. As I was feeding him there was some thunder down under as he loaded up his little man pants, and since things weren't so snug the mud kept flowing. And flowing out of the diaper, then all over me, then down my shirt, shorts, and then the floor. Good times right there folks. Good times indeed.
For some reason I was thinking about the mullet the other day, and trying to come up with the national anthem for this "hairstyle." The official sport would be NASCAR, the official language would be redneck, the official food would be anything off the BBQ, the official spokesperson would be Billy Ray Cyrus, the official flag would be the Confederate flag, the official show would be "The Dukes of Hazzard," the official movie would be "Joe Dirt," but I just can't think of an official song. Any ideas?
First day of summer here was 66 degrees. Really nice Clark. Really nice. But it has warmed up so I should keep my mouth shut before Mother Nature gets pissed at me again.
I really wish they could invent some sort of filter so you block out crap you do not want to see or hear about. For example, I really don't care about Jon and Kate, and would prefer not to see a new article about them on Yahoo's home page every time I check my mail.
Thank you to everyone for the Father's Day wishes. It was awesome. And it is really awesome because Baby Shife thinks I am the best dad ever. That poor kid is going to be disappointed in a few years.
And finally it is hard to believe but my son is three-months old today, and he will be going on first plane ride this week. He has three sold-out shows in Washington state. And here is your weekly fix:

Is that your final answer?

2009-06-16T12:10:00.000-06:00

So I was debating with Baby Shife what kind of tiger we should sit on for our topless photo shoot for the Siegfried and Roy Father/Son Calendar when I had a thought.
Or I might have been just putting away some dishes.
Anyway my mind was wondering about collect calls.
When is the last time you got one?
I imagine these days they are very rare unless you know someone incarcerated and then you probably don't want to tell me the last time you got a collect call.
I thought if we were living in a land where collect calls where more frequent under what circumstances would you not accept one?
But to make it more interesting I figured there needs to be a twist to this so your answer must include the title of a Def Leppard song.
For me it would be: I could not accept your collect call because I was in the middle of having someone "Pour Some Sugar on Me."

And from the pages of the Rookie Dad journal:
I don't know if this falls in the lazy or pathetic category or maybe it is a combination of both. It is early morning and Quincy just finished eating his breakfast. He is lying on the couch next to me as I am giving Baby Shife his bottle. The feeding was going good so I don't want any interruptions because sometimes if he is distracted it is a pain in Papa Smurf's butt to get him going again on the bottle. So we are on the couch when the fat basset unloads his breakfast all over the couch. It is pretty disgusting watching your dog puke right in front of you.
I am conflicted.
Do I stop feeding Baby Shife and clean up the mess or do I just wait until the baby is done feeding and tolerate the canine chunks all over the couch?
Well as it turns out Quincy decided to help me with my dilemma and proceeded to eat his puke. So quick recap. Quincy, Baby Shife, and I are on the couch. I am feeding Baby Shife. Captain Furry Pants vomits. Mr. Shife doesn't know what to do. Fat Basset takes one for the team and eats the puke. Baby Shife finishes off his bottle. A win-win for Mr. Shife.

And here is your weekly Baby Shifley photo:

Life as I know it

2009-06-09T11:00:00.008-06:00

I will be the first to admit this blog needs to get its sexy back.
But right now I am happy if I brush my teeth before noon so I guess I am not setting the bar too high.
I think some of you may be disappointed that this has turned into nothing but updates about my new baby boy or the rookie mistakes I am making as a Dad. But honestly this is all that is going on in my life right now. Well there are some other things like I needed to do some manscaping in the swimsuit area.
Talk about pubes gone wild.
Anyway I passed on the Guyzillian and got a Hasidic cut in the swim suit area. You know they cut off all the hair in the middle and just leave the curlies on the outside.
I also picked up a nice souvenir at my last softball game.
Did you ever wonder what kind of bruise a softball traveling over 100 miles per hour will leave on a man's league? Well your wait is over because this is what it looks like:

Anyway as my son and I better adjust to our new roles I do anticipate one day talking again about interesting topics such as :

So I appreciate your patience and support as this Rookie Dad tries to get back on track. And here is the weekly picture of Baby Shifley. The little man heard a lot of hair metal and butt rock when he was in the womb and evidently he must of liked it because he heard a song by Poison and got a little excited. Yep he is making the little rocker hand. The kid is going to be sporting a mullet by 3.

P.S. I almost forgot to include this very funny video from a blogging buddy, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuDMOGfXHSc, enjoy.

Random Acts of Shifeness

2009-06-02T10:59:00.005-06:00

I honestly thought I would have so much more free time staying at home with my son. Now after all you experienced parents are done laughing at me, I will confess I was way off on that one. I do have some down time but that is when I try to do normal stuff like brushing my teeth, eating, taking a shower, feeding the dog, prank calling dwarf farms, etc.
Mrs. Shife and I will be having our first date since the baby came our way. We are going to the movies Saturday night to see "The Hangover." I admit this movie has been my summer crush since I first saw the trailer so I am hoping it lives up to my expectations.
I saw a shirt in the mall the other day. It said "Check Out My Stimulus Package" with a big arrow pointing down to the swimsuit area. I am not a rocket scientist - and I never played one on TV - but I don't think I need an arrow pointing to someone's junk to help drive home the t-shirt's message . I think I know what you are saying when you are wearing a shirt that just says "Check Out My Stimulus Package" without an arrow.
Speaking of redundancies. I talked about this on my Facebook page. Which redundant phrase is used more - ATM machine or PIN number?
I got a call the other day from a dog breeder. They asked me if they could use the fat basset as a stud.
They want to breed him with a New Foundland. So that would give you a New Foundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound: A dog for financial advisors.
I guess I better put up another picture of the cutest baby I know or some of you might get angry with me. Here is my little prince smiling at me. I just love that little man.
And another reason for me to hate Twitter. Check it out here.

Have a good week.
Talk to you soon.
Eat more fiber. Or don't. It is really up to you on what kind of relationship you decide to have with fiber.

So it begins .....

2009-05-26T15:37:00.003-06:00

Stardate 052609: Day 1 of being held captive by a 2-month old baby.
Mrs. Shife went back to work today so it is just me, the fat basset, and Baby Shife.
All in all it was an OK day.
We got up about 7:30 and played for a little bit.
Then he told me he was hungry - for a two-month old he is a very effective communicator - but the methods I proposed for satisfying his hunger were unacceptable to Baby Shife.
I offered a bottle, and he counter offered with a meltdown.
This battle of wills went on for the next two hours.
Each side plotted their next move carefully but no progress was made.
Then a wise old man made a suggestion.
Sometimes referred to as Captain Furry Pants, the wily old fat basset realized his nap time was getting cut shorter and shorter as this senseless war of the Shifleys raged on so he offered to help.
And then suddenly my son was willing to take the bottle.
It is amazing how a 55-pound hungry dog can so easily influence a little dude.

Evidently Quincy thinks babies look pretty yummy.

It is almost June so I better post something

2009-05-21T11:31:00.005-06:00

Wow. I am really getting bad at updating this blog of mine.
I have been busy.
I joined this new club where some of the amazing benefits include getting puked, peed, and peeped on by a little person. No it is not some sort of S&M German midget dominatrix outfit. It is just fatherhood.
Baby Shifley has been a joy but I am starting get a little nervous because Mrs. Shife goes back to work next week so it is just going to be me and the little man. I am not sure who is going to cry more - me or him.
We also have had non-stop visitors for the past few weeks so I had to put the No Vacancy sign in front of the house to give us a little peace and quiet and try to get Baby Shifley on a routine before we are home alone.
So what else has been going on?

I am still not succumbing to Twitter. Somebody has to give at least 3 good reason to get on there. To me it it is just the digital version of the Macarena. Suck it Twitter.
I saw "Star Trek" and "Wolverine." I really liked one of them. The one I didn't like rhymes with Trollverine.
Looking forward to seeing the new "Terminator" movie.
I really liked the "Lost" finale even though it left me with so many more questions and wanting more but isn't that what a good TV show is supposed to do.
Now the season finale of "24" was not so good in my humble opinion. It was a pretty good season but the last few episodes really dragged on and the finale was a little disappointing.
Baby Shifley went on his first road trip and did great. The fat basset almost got thrown in the river but the little man did awesome after spending nearly 8 hours in the car.
Baby Shifley will be hitting the road again next month for stops in Washington state, Illinois, and Missouri so please check your local listings for times and dates in those areas.

Well that is about it. Pretty boring, huh? Hopefully once the baby and I get into a routine I will post more frequently. Hope everyone is doing well, and I guess I better include a baby shot for those of you interested in seeing my little buddy.

Return of the Dumb, White Guy

2009-04-23T14:30:00.003-06:00

Geez what a lazy bastard I have been. It is like I had a kid or something. I sincerely apologize to everyone for my lack of my blogging but I have been enjoying the heck out of fatherhood. It is truly one of the greatest experiences- if not the greatest - of my life. Baby Shifley has been a complete joy and other than getting peed on a few times I am having the time of my life. The little man and Mrs. Shife are doing well and I also want to thank everyone for their warm wishes, congratulations, and support. So my posts might be a little infrequent for the next few weeks or so but I am sure I will back in the blogging game full steam ahead once everything gets back to normal. Oh wait my life will never be normal again. Anyway I will be up and running again soon but I just need to get used to life as a Dad and adjust accordingly.
Have a great weekend and thanks for being there.