The Murtaugh List

The Murtaugh List is a list made famous by the TV show "How I Met Your Mother" and is inspired by Danny Glover's character Roger Murtaugh in the movie series "Lethal Weapon." Murtaugh's catch phrase in these movies was "I'm too old for this shit" Putting something on the Murtaugh List acknowledges that as you grow up, there's stuff you just can no longer do that you did in your youth.
So what might be on your Murtaugh List?
Here are a few that would be on my list:

1. Going to a bar that has been featured on "Girls Gone Wild."
2. Dropping E and going to a rave.
3. Jagermeister.
4. Crash on a friend's futon for the night instead of getting a hotel room.
5. Tea bag a friend.
6. Suck the white filling out of twinkies in a portapotty.
   
7. Get another tattoo.
8. Karaoke a certain song by "The Backstreet Boys."
   
9. Wear the fashion of Magnum P.I. The big busy mustache, the short shorts, the shirt unbuttoned down to your penis.
10. Incorporate "How much extra for the midget?" into a sentence on a semi-regular basis.
11. Make a love connection in jail.
12. To be featured on any Fox reality show especially "When Animals Attack," "Cops," or "America's Most Wanted."
13. Eat at a Chinese buffet restaurant.
    
14. Be assassinated by a Ninja.
15. Buy shirts from the "I'm Not Having Any Sex Catalog."
    
16. Join the Dr. Phil Fan Club.
17. Get into a food fight with a cannibal.
18. Renew my membership to the International Federation of Americans against Plumber's Ass.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Tell this joke again: Two cows were standing in a field when one goes, "Mooo." The other replies, "Damn, I was just about say that."
    
    

And here is a picture of Mrs. Shife and Baby Shife dressed up for Halloween:


Have a great week!

Random Acts of Shifeness

• Baby Shife's first Halloween and he is going to look pretty awesome if I must say so myself. He and Mrs. Shife are working on their costumes together. I should have a nice picture for you next week.
• Speaking of Baby Shifley, here is the link to his 6-month-old video that I made, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-mbWkAlww4
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• The last bullet point was actually a Random Act of Baby Shifeness. I am not fluent in baby talk so someone might need to translate for me but that was him typing on the keyboard.
• Anyone excited about the Yankees-Phillies in the World Series? I guess I just want to see the Yankees lose but that is about the only thing that makes it interesting to me.
• Maybe I watched too many X-Files episodes or I am just a skeptical person but I find it interesting that they think they found Amelia Earhart's final resting place just as the movie about her is about to be released into the wild.
  
• I put this on Facebook but wanted to share here as well because I miss Mitch Hedberg. I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls ... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Screw it, cut em up!"
  
• I dislike broccoli intensely so let's just get that out of the way. Anyway it looks a great deal like cauliflower so do you think it is envious of cauliflower? Wait for it. It is like a joke grenade. Or perhaps cauliflower is just scared broccoli? Something to think about.
• Have a great week and I hope you have a wonderful Halloween. See you in 7 days.

And here he is ...

Rookie Dad Journal Highlights

September 1 – Baby Shife got to go to his first birthday party today. He got groped by a 1-year-old but he took it all in stride like he knows he is a ladies man. Pass the Courvoisier.

September 2 – Baby Shife tried rice cereal yesterday and we tried it again today. It was fun feeding him and watching him make a huge mess. The fat basset enjoyed it as well because he got some of the leftovers that didn’t quite make it to Baby Shife's mouth. This might be the event that unites baby and Quincy.

September 5 – Baby Shife went to his first college football game as we went to the Wazzu home opener and watched them play Stanford. He had a good time and was a good baby.

September 7 – Headed back home today and there was only was visit from the mud butt fairy, but he was not happy camper when we got back to the house and tried to put him to bed. He was pretty fussy for about 2 hours before he finally calmed down.

September 10 – Just love feeding him his rice cereal. Whoever said it is the little things must of have kids. Feel so blessed to have a beautiful baby boy.

September 11 – Baby Shife went through the car wash and it did not enjoy the experience. A little too loud for him. I also bought a Wii today and I sure hope kids are still playing them when he is older. He also got his Aunt a nice birthday present

September 12 – On the road to Salt Lake City to watch a MLS game. Mrs. Shife and Baby Shife watched the first half and then headed back to the hotel. They were both tired after a long day but the game was a lot of fun. Really cool stadium and Baby Shife handled it well.

September 13 – Back home after our trip to Salt Lake City. Baby Shife got to watch a little bit of the football Cardinals play today and it looks like the same old Cardinals. I hope he doesn’t have to wait as long as I did to see his favorite NFL team make it to the Super Bowl.

September 14 – He is getting so close to crawling. Baby Shife can move backwards, and he gets his butt up in the air then gets up on all fours but can’t get the motor moving forward. But he is pretty darn close to becoming a mobile baby.

September 16 – Baby Shife tried out sweet potatoes today and didn’t care for them too much.

September 17 – Baby Shife made another appearance at Mommy’s office and brought productivity to a stand still.

September 18 – Going back to the Palouse but this time it will only take an hour. It sure is nice to fly to Moscow instead of driving. Hope Baby Shife will enjoy his second plane ride as much as his first one.

September 19 – Baby Shife’s first Vandal game and it was a good one. He had a good time because he got kisses from a 3-year-old girl the whole game. And Idaho won too.

September 23 – He is getting so active and developing a little personality. It is like trying to herd a wet cat sometimes when I am changing his diaper.

September 24 – Some days it is being a parent, and then some days you feel like you have no idea what you are doing. Yesterday he ate great, took nice naps, and was a happy baby. Today he is the exact opposite of that previous sentence.

September 25 – Our 5-year-anniversay and it is hard to believe we would be so blessed with a wonderful little man.

September 26 – Baby Shife supposedly ate “organic” sweet potatoes this week and boy oh boy did they produce some not so "organic" farts. The kid was dropping bombs like a veteran. And then when the farts decided to transform into a solid mass. Really nice Clark. Really nice. I think his room is going to smell for weeks after that crap burger he dropped in his Huggies.

September 29 – We are having a heck of a time keeping Baby Shife idle while we change his diaper. He just moves around and around and does not want to sit still. I am thinking we might have to strap him down with duct tape just to get a new mud butt holder on him.

September 30 – Hard to believe but he is 6-months-old. Wow.

And your weekly photo fix:

Midget Westerns

Hey there everybody. I apologize in advance for not having some hot and fresh content for you today but what I wanted to do isn't going to happen so it will have to wait until next week. But this is an oldie but a goodie (well at least I think so) of mine that I posted when I wasn't allowing comments so now you can comment away. Or you can just scroll down to the bottom and check out Baby Shife's latest picture. He just got his 6-month-old portraits done and it is hard to believe how much the little dude has grown up.

Inspired by a Far Side cartoon, I proudly present the Sawed-Off Western Collection that can't be found anywhere but in my imagination

1. Hang 'Em Not So High
2. Short Noon
3. Dwarf Plains Drifter
4. The Little Person Who Shot Liberty Valence
5. 3:10 Short Bus to Yuma
6. The Modest Seven
7. The Outlaw Shorty Wales
8. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Midget Robert Ford
9. Butch Cassidy and the Short Pants Kid
10. The Good, The Bad, and The Vertically Challenged

Hard to believe how big he is getting. Time sure does fly by when you are a parent.

Random Acts of Shifeness

• I had to break out the pants today. Fall is officially here. Yuk.
• My good friend Phats had me make college football picks for his blog. They will be up Wednesday or Thursday. Check them out if you are interested in my completely "scientific" approach to picking football games.
• The new TV season is in full swing and I have only added two new shows to my list, "Modern Family" and "Flashforward." I really liked them both. "Modern Family" has that "Arrested Development" feel to it so that was a good sign. And "Flashforward" will get the "Lost" comparisons but it could develop into something really nice and interesting.
  
• Heading back to the Midwest this week. Taking Baby Shifley back for the first time to meet some of his other relatives. We were suppose to go back in July but our plans got changed by a canceled flight. Anyway looking forward to taking him to a Cardinals game and seeing some family. But I have to admit I had a really bad night Sunday thinking about my Mom and how much I wished she would be there when we arrived at the airport.
  
• I know it is probably just a coincidence but Baby Shifley is just drawn to the TV when there is a baseball game so I am curious to see how he reacts to seeing it live. Like I said I know it is probably just a coincidence and if there was ballet on there he would most likely check it out, but I just like to think he is going to be a baseball nut like his old man.




• The fat basset and Baby Shifley are starting to share. More like Captain Furry Pants is enjoying some of the little man's blankets. It is a start and maybe now that Baby Shife is eating solid foods they will get along even better.
  
  
  
• My softball season officially ended yesterday. We won our last game and after 36 league games, 5 tournaments, and a few practices I can finally let my body get healed up. I think I might be getting too old for this game. But I know I will be getting excited come spring when it is to lace up the cleats again.
• Well my friends have a great week and a lovely weekend. It will be quiet here on the blog for about 2 weeks because we will be on vacation so take care and talk to you later.

And here is a shot of my little Cardinals fan. As I mentioned he is starting to eat solid foods so we get to break out all of his cool bibs. He is almost 6-months-old and is still an absolute joy to me. I love that little baby more and more every day and I feel so fortunate that I am able to spend so much time with him on a regular basis.

Thoughtful, Athletic Blogger Seeking Laughs

I was going to write about the deep and diabolical messages behind "The Smurfs", but I got Smurfaphobic so instead you get the highly-anticipated real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads. And for those of you that just want your Baby Shife fix just skip down to the bottom to see the handsome, little man.

Women abbreviations

• 40-ish - 48
• Adventurer - Has had more partners than you ever will
• Athletic - Flat-chested
• Average looking - Ugly
• Beautiful - Pathological liar
• Contagious Smile - Bring your penicillin
• Educated - College dropout
• Emotionally Secure - Medicated
• Feminist - Fat; ball buster
• Free spirit - Substance user
• Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as slut
• Fun - Annoying
• Gentle - Comatose
• Good Listener - Borderline Autistic
• New-Age - All body hair, all the time
• Old-fashioned - Lights out, missionary position only
• Open-minded - Desperate
• Outgoing - Loud
• Passionate - Loud
• Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic
• Professional - Real Witch
• Romantic - Looks better by candle light
• Voluptuous - Very Fat
• Weight proportional to height - Hugely Fat
• Wants soul mate - One step away from stalking
• Widow - Nagged first husband to death
• Young at heart - Toothless crone

Male abbreviations

• 40-ish- 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
• Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
• Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
• Educated- Will always treat you like an idiot
• Free Spirit- Sleeps with your sister
• Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nudity
• Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
• Good looking - Arrogant
• Honest - Pathological Liar
• Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear
• Likes to cuddle- Insecure, overly dependent
• Mature - Until you get to know him
• Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
• Physically fit - I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
• Poet - Has written on a bathroom stall
• Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
• Stable - Occasional stalker, but never arrested
• Thoughtful - Says "Please" when demanding a beer

We took the little man to our alma mater, the University of Idaho, to watch their football home opener. And this is Mrs. Shife and Baby Shife getting ready to get their tailgate on.

The Shifleys enjoying some football action.

Game over and the Idaho Vandals win so they come over and sing the fight song to the fans. Probably my favorite picture of the day because of the look on Baby Shife's face. He looks shocked that our team won the game. And to be honest I was a little shocked they won too.

WTF????

A few things over the past week that have made me stop and go "WTF?!?!?!?"

• Warning on Pepto Bismol - Check it out if you have a bottle around the house. Evidently you can suffer hearing loss from taking Pepto. I never knew diarrhea and Pepto Bismol could be so lethal. Oh and it can also give you a black tongue. This stuff is awesome. Do a search for Pepto Bismol side effects.
• Steven Seagal - Deputy Sheriff - Yep. And there will be a reality show about it.
  
• Star Jones - Just hearing her name makes me cringe.
• A woman who gave her son up for adoption 10 years ago is now accused of having sex with the teen after finding him on the Internet. Here is the story ...
  
• Heard this "swell" pick up line - “Great legs, what time do they open?”
• A golf club designed so you can pee in it while you are on the golf course. Just unscrew the top and piss away. Yeah, that seems normal. http://www.uroclub.org/
• Are you an adult baby? Maybe I should rephrase that ... Are you a nutbar with serious mental health issues? http://www.ineedamommy.com
• Remember when you were drunk or delusional and wished they would make another Rambo? Well your wish came true. Heading to a theater near you in 2011, Rambo 5. You can thank me later.
  
• Boxer Juan Manuel Marquez drinks his own pee. I am pretty sure 5 out 5 dentists will agree that is not going to help prevent gingivitis. And I am pretty sure 100 percent of my blog readers will think that it is sick and wrong.
  

And here is your weekly fix of Baby Shife. This is a picture of him pretending to be a Baby Gap model.