It's Hayden's Turn

I made a video of Hayden. I know about time, right? Only a few months late. Well here she is, and I will be the first to admit that it is not as cool as Kyle's video but it is not too shabby. So I hope you enjoy it, and I also hope you have a fantastic weekend. Take care.





I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

The Idiot Box

Will the public humiliation and coming out of the TV closet make me reconsider some of the trash that I watch on TV? Below you will find the list of TV shows that my DVR is currently recording. Some of the shows on this list are not too shabby, but some of them are head scratchers. I mean, come on man, I am almost 42 and I am watching not only Teen Mom but its glorious sequel, Teen Mom 2. Maybe someone hooked up some jumper cables to my head when I was passed out in college. And I don't think there is enough alcohol in the world or amateur lobotomy experiments to justify Jersey Shore. Help me baby Jesus!

1. 30 Rock
2. The Office
3. Eastbound & Down
4. The Amazing Race
5. The League
6. The Big C
7. Supernatural
8. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
9. How I Met Your Mother
10. Intervention
11. Dexter
12. New Girl
13. Breaking Bad
14. Teen Mom 2
15. Modern Family
16. The Closer
17. Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel
18. Psych
19. Parks and Recreation
20. Dog the Bounty Hunter
21. Jersey Shore
22. Workaholics
23. Boardwalk Empire
24. Justified
25. Archer
26. The Killing
27. Nurse Jackie
28. Game of Thrones
29. True Blood
30. I Used to Be Fat
31. Louie
32. Wilfred
33. Teen Mom
34. Up All Night
35. Fringe
36. Sons of Anarchy
37. Tosh.O
38. Homeland
39. Cops
40. Flying Wild Alaska
41. The Walking Dead
42. Calliou
43. Southland
44. WordWorld
45. On Freddie Roach
46. An Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List

Kyle, Hayden, and Tank playing their new favorite game, "Guess Who Pooped?"

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Humble Pie

Nothing like getting your butt kicked by a $4 dollar night light to put your ego in check.
I was having a legen - wait for it - dary day.
My hair was perfectly feathered.
They played “Sister Christian” on the radio. And the next song was “Every Rose Has a Thorn.”
Getting to use the term Mud Falcon in a conversation.
“Archer”, “Justified” and “Southland” were waiting to be watched on my DVR.
Having a midget tell me he can eat his weight in cocktail wieners.
I still look great in my Raggedy Ann wig.
My brief jerkies still fit.

So you get the idea that my day was going OK. Well I retuned home from my awesome adventures at Target and showed Kyle his new night light. Kyle was excited because he has been scared of monsters and the dark lately. I opened up the package to show Kyle how his new light worked. I pushed the on button. Nothing happened. I kept pushing the on button. Still nothing. I looked at the back of the night light to see if it needed batteries. Nothing there. I looked for a little plastic thingy that you sometimes needed to pull to activate devices. Nothing that fit that description. Kyle was getting impatient with his Daddy because his idiot father could not get his night light to work. I called in reinforcements to help out. Mrs. Shife asked me what was up and I explained to her what I was doing and that I could not get the night light to work. Mrs. Shife just gave me the look and said, “Why don’t you try plugging it in genius.” And what do you know it worked perfectly.

Have a good weekend.

My Cowboy and My Princess.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Paul Effin’ Walker!!!!!

Ah the joys of going to the dentist. It would be a tough call if I had to choose between artificially inseminating miniature farm animals or visiting the wonderful world of dentistry.
Am I anti-dentite? Maybe.

I just find the whole dental process unsavory.
So you will never guess where I went this week?
Excellent conclusion. You are indeed a worthy adversary.
I am at the dentist, sitting in the chair, and the dental assistant (DA) is getting me prepped to have some fillings put in. She has her fingers in my mouth, some hose thingy sucking away what is left of my soul, and then she decided to make small talk. Why do they always want to have a conversation when your mouth is full of foreign objects? For the love of fat bassets, we do not need to discuss the weather while you have my mouth jacked open like some frickin’ stuffed bear on a hunter’s wall.
Dr. Mouth Fun, errrr, the dentist comes in, numbs me up, and the games begin. I can’t feel both sides of my face, and now I have 2 people jamming stuff in and out of my mouth. Insert porn joke here. Good times.
Then the real torture begins.
The DA, who is a young lady, and the dentist, who is a middle-aged guy, begin having a spirited discussion about the merits of “The Fast and The Furious” movies. Specifically, which dude do the ladies find the most attractive?
The dentist asks her if she is a Vin Diesel guy? Or maybe she likes the other guy? You know the one with the really blue eyes?
The DA chimes in, “I like the guy with blue eyes. His name is Ryan. Oh it is on the tip of my tongue. Ryan ... oh what is it?”
This intellectual debate continues for a few more minutes while they are working on my choppers, and I am just screaming on the inside because my ability to speak is severely compromised thanks to the remarkable advances of my dental needs.

His name is Paul Walker!!!!!!!! Can you hear me!!!!! It is not Ryan!!! Did I mention his name is Paul Effin’ Walker!!!!! Ryan Reynolds was not in this movie!!! OMG it is Paul Walker!!! (Yes it is true, my super hero powers are crappy movie knowledge. )

The DA continues. “Oh what is his name. I almost have it. This is driving me nuts.”
Yes, indeed, you are the only going nuts.
Now I am testing my telepathic powers and sending her my brain waves.

How hard is it to get a Paul Walker up in here while I receive the high-quality, state-of-the-art dental care that I deserve?

Mercifully, they move on to another subject, and my blood pressure returns to its normal range for the briefest of moments.
Because then the dentist asks the DA, “My mother-in-law really likes the guy with dark hair that used to play James Bond. What is his name?”
And I know you know that the DA was ready to pounce on the question like a hungry hyena because her area of movie proficiency has to be 007.
“Oh I know who you are talking about. What is his name? It is Frank. Frank something.”
The voices in my head return.

His name is Pierce Brosnan!!!!!!!! Can you hear me!!!!! It is not Frank!!! Did I mention his name is Pierce Effin’ Brosnan!!!!! Frank was not in this movie!!! OMG it is Pierce Brosnan!!

It is Paul Effin' Walker!!!!!!

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Stream of Consciousness

I had a bunch of different things on my mind today to blog about like how I don’t know if I am going to make it through the year listening to the moronic election-year stories or the misleading and baiting headlines on Yahoo or the parenting advice I learned from a horse whisperer or how I am looking forward to reading my first Elmore Leonard, but I just could not stayed focused long enough to write anything worthwhile. So I just decided to do the whole stream of consciousness writing for five minutes. Here it goes ....

Enjoyed this quote today, “There may be more to learn from climbing the same mountain a hundred times then by climbing a hundred different mountains.” I tried to see the significance of that today when I was walking Tank because we usually walk the same path at least once a week. But was not in the right mood. I just got reminded of a certain movie because I saw a street named Abode. The Dude abides. “The Big Lebowski.” Easily one of my favorite films of all time. I watch it on my birthday every year. Kind of like a special treat to me. I think if I watched it more than once a year then it would lose it uniqueness. A man has to know his limitations. A quote from “Magnum Force” and Dirty Harry Callahan. The movie “Dirty Harry” is one of the first movies that I ever memorized a line from. The whole do you feel lucky, punk scene. Great, great line. I think I was a teenager. Maybe 15 or 16. That is when it dawned on me how much I love movies and how much of an impact they can have on people. Fast forward 26 years later and I am really disappointed in movies. Just not a lot of good stuff out there. Maybe it is me being a middle-aged grumpy dude. Get off my lawn. Another line from a Clint Eastwood movie, “Gran Torino.” I think that is the last movie of his I saw. Let me check IMDB. I was wrong. I saw “Invictus.” Didn’t really enjoy that one too much. Might watch a movie tonight, “Exporting Raymond.” Depends on how cooperative the soon-to-be two-month-old is at bedtime. Hayden is usually pretty good but some nights she wants to stay up and play. I don’t know if it is because we already had a kid or if she is a girl but so far she has been a lot easier. Eating good, sleeping through the night, and really, really laid back. I don’t want to jinx us but I am grateful that she is a mellow baby. I don’t know if I could handle another picky eater and difficult sleeper like Kyle. I love that boy to death but it was hard on me trying to feed him because I did not have the patience or understanding. Still bothers me that I was like that with him. When I think about it, I just go straight to doomsday scenarios and just imagine him in therapy telling the counselor how mean I was to him. I am such a pessimist always going ....

Time’s up. Hope it wasn’t too bad to read a few minutes of my thoughts. Have a good rest of your day, and I will talk to you later.

Kyle and his cousin, Charley, just out for a Sunday drive. Love this picture of the two boys. Just imagine them growing to be something like the Duke boys and cruising around together in the General Lee.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

The Adventure Begins

Hello there.

I know some of you may have seen this video since I posted it on Facebook and Google+ so I apologize that you have to witness all of this awesomeness again.

After a year of being a Mac computer owner, I finally decided to use it for something else besides searching for things like a Mud Falcon or Ambushed Paddington on the Google machine so I made a little film trailer with the iMovie.

I think it turned out pretty swell, and it is about the next big adventure that awaits Kyle.

Have a great weekend.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

Happy New Year

Hello there.

How is 2012 treating you?

The Shifes are doing good.

Thank you for asking.

The big change so far is that daddy daycare is up and running again. I have a new client and she is wonderful. She just eats and sleeps. I think I will keep her around.

My old client requires a lot more of my attention.

I feel like I am Jack Bauer on "24" running around trying to diffuse a terrorist situation.

2 1/2-year-olds are little balls of energy who emotions shift from utter happiness to sheer despair constantly. But I would not change anything. Those 2 kids make the future worth living and fighting for, and also makes me thankful.

I am tapping into the power of gratitude, and hope that being more grateful leads to more happiness and optimism. The really awesome thing about gratitude is that it does not cost anything.

“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.